The Road Goes On Forever - And The Party? Well, It Never Ends.

And after creating a day of anti-ci-pation...Let's cover the "Worsts of 2009"...shall we?

1. January 1, 2009 - Worst bowl of black eyed peas ever. Fruitless. Simply fruitless.
2. April 15, 2009 - Worst day to decide to buy novelty Frank Sinatra stamps at the post office
3. February 9, 2009 - Worst joke told to my boss of the year. Did not appreciate my humor about how little I work.
4. August 30, 2009 - Worst realization that the Cathy comic strip was no longer in the Sunday paper. Who knew?
5. December 4, 2009 - Worst case of bad breath.
6. April 1, 2009 - Worst day that may or may not have happened.
7. July 23, 2009 - Worst discovery of a dark stain on my white pants. I did not poop!
8. December 31, 2009 - Worst realization of the year - that my "Worst" list could possibly go on for way longer than the "Best of 2009" list.

Don't Count Your Chickens Until They Scream

As a semipro blogger, I feel it my duty to join the media masses and make a "Best Of 2009" and "Worst Of 2009" post(s)

Today is...Bests...
1. June 1, 2009 - Best bowl of Frosted Flakes of the year. Fresh box, fresh milk, flakes not too crispy and not too soggy.
2. January 14, 2009 - Best laugh of the year. I am terrible at retelling jokes, but it had to do with a chicken and was absolutely hilarious. My neighbor told me, and I laughed for three minutes straight.
3. April 1, 2009 - Best day of the year that might not have really happened.
4. July 4, 2009 - Best decision of the year. I went with the burger instead of the chicken.
5. November 24, 2009 - Best Jeopardy of the year. That prick Alex slipped and said "shituation" instead of "situation."
6. December 28, 2009 - Best hair day of the year. Thought the year might be a flop, but it wasn't!

The More The Merrier

I have been thinking of new activities to help me hop, skip and jump into this new year 2-0-1-0. Since cooking is out, another idea I think I shall try is becoming a LIFE COACH. I have always wanted to have a whistle around my neck. And since my high fiving has improved, why not?

As for my team name, I have been playing with a few. It has come down to either, team "Life Rocks" or "Rock Life." As for the players...anyone that joins my team should know up front every single team I have ever been a part of, and I mean EVERY has been sub par. Not that I don't like to win...but my experience in losing fits the LIFE part of this coaching quite perfectly.

Now, I know what you are thinking, "Is it possible for Hubert Bringer's team to win anything?" Ohhh, we all know that answer - as long as every one's trophy is cool, does it really matter?

You Might Need A Flashlight To Always Look On The Bright Side

Let's knot our hair today, turn around to the two days we just let go, and rehash...because I know you are dying to know if Santa was...as they say (and it always makes me feel a little sick when said), "Good to me?" Ick.

Before I do...isn't Christmas relaxing? I am thinking since Christmas was so relaxing, I should turn my nerves back up a notch and go to the mall and return something...without the receipt...that was purchased online. Not that I received anything I want to return. Only maybe my three in one coffee maker, cappuccino, espresso machine. Who knew? I really wanted them separate.

Now, "Was Santa good to me?" (again, ick). Answer: Hell yes.

It's Okay To Think Elves Are Creepy

Got it - I made a decision (kids...what's Decision's worst enemy? Yes, INDECISION!)...anyway, I made a decision to put down the undersized remote tonight and share a little spirit with some one-on-one caroling. Considering I am absolutely, indefinitely alone in this world, I realize going house-to-house caroling without accompaniment might seem a little unusual...not to mention I am not sure how well my voice carries. Thus, I am going to hit up a few one bedroom apartments. Seeing as I live in an area of endless one bedrooms, I think finding a few, single ears will not be a hard task. REEEAALLLY keeping my eye out for dwellings that house cab drivers. Not to worry, I do have a Miss Piggy doll (puppet) that I shall have with me just in case more than one person shows to the door. Glorious!

Forget Gingerbread - I Want a Fruit Cake House

I was told today I need to remember the “true meaning of Christmas.” She did not seem to like it when I asked what that meant. The true meaning? – Not the untrue meaning. Is there even such a thing? (feathers R-U-F-F-L-E-D) And I must remember? Remember I forgot there is a true meaning and to forget the untrue meaning – even though somehow that has a meaning, too.

Whew. What an assignment – right before Christmas.

Attention Thee That Ho's in 3's

Dear Santa,

Here is what I want for Christmas:

1) From Barbra Streisand's Official Store -- Embroidered Sweatshirt (BST99366)
"Make a subtle statement with this heavyweight hooded sweatshirt, which is beautifully embroidered with Barbra's 'Timeless' tour logo."
2) Mark McClure's Ruthless Entrepreneur 5 Hour Course (5 Disc Set)"Give me 7 days and I will make you a superstar entrepreneur!"
3) Espresso machine
4) Cappuccino machine
5) New coffee maker
6) Giant remote control
7) Glimpse into the future
8) A sweater with snowflakes on it

Sir, make it happen.

Best,

Hubert

Stockings and Candy - What a Combo.

Nothing says "I almost know you" like a Christmas gift basket. The cellophane wrapping a joyous collage. By itself - the pralines are dandy, but together with an apple, strange crackers and chocolate propped on a bed of straw...it comes together like a magician's fly.

I really want one this year. The odds of someone almost knowing me and sending one are looking slim, so I am thinking I might send one to myself. I have sent Christmas gift baskets before...let's just say, the recipients were confused because somehow I managed to switch the addresses and what you have in you boss's basket vs. the basket for your new alcoholic, sex crazed friend are not going to be the same.

Takes One To Snow One

I was approached by a coworker today who said, “I am organizing a cookie swap. Would you like to participate? You will have to bring 72 cookies.” Hmmm, 72. I couldn’t help but ask her, “Now, what happens to a swapper who brings 71?...or what if one breaks? Or even if somehow the dough wasn’t portioned just right, and someone ends up with 74?” Sometimes I don’t understand why my innocent questions get such daggery glares in return…and boy did I get one. Geez. So I decided it would be too much pressure to make 72 and told her I would let her know later (the work world’s “no”).

BUT if I were to bring 72 cookies to swap. I would surely bring fortune cookies.

Life Doesn't Get Much Better Than Michael Bolton During The Holidays

Would it be creepy if I wanted to sit on Santa’s lap? Seriously. I accidentally found myself inside a shopping mall today, and while there I eyed a Santa plopping children on his lap. It also appeared he listened to them, agreed to their request, smiled for a photo and then sent them on their way with a candy cane. I never really loved doing that whole routine when it was age appropriate, but now I find myself – in this holiday season – craving a crappy, broken candy cane and a Polaroid of myself looking (depending on the angle of the one looking at the photo) either full of glee or full of sheer terror. Or maybe most of all, I want to breathily whisper a wish, into some strange man’s ear who may or may not have passed the fourth grade.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe - You Realize Your Password Was Way Too Obvious

I know, I know...I left you hanging during the scariest time of year. Never fear, my typing skills have been reunited with my keyboard, which has been reunited with my hard drive, which has been reunited with the "Internet" and now my loving friends...you and I touch each other's synapses...one click of a brain cell at a time. POW!

Where hath Hubbie been? Easy for me to say because I was there. It is a long story that in actuality is probably average story length. Seeing it is Christmas time, I decided this year I would buy my parents a gift. And what says "I know I haven't bought you a gift in 7 years, so I am making up for it with this one...big time" like a puppy? I mean...what do people, especially those whose children have grown and flown, need and love more than a surprise pet?! I considered a cat, but thought a cat is way too self sufficient, and I think my parents really need to feel needed.

Thus, the story slowly unfolds. I have spent most of my spare time lately in illegal puppy mills and animal shelters. I just can't decide what direction my splitting road shall take? A abused pit bull for them to nurture, or a slightly pure bread Chihuahua?

Talk The Talk - But Watch Your Step

It’s a Friday. This week definitely decided to sit on my lap and beg for random, discontinued Hershey’s candies. Nonstop. Barnone. Tastetations. Even Chocolate Milk Mix. Uggh.

To pay respect to this whiny/heavy week I shall list what I will not do this weekend:

1. Buy much needed shoes – holes in soles, it will be

2. Cook fettuccine Alfredo – I think it, like my week, is too heavy and I must confess – gross.

3. Watch a single second of a nature show.

4. Cry because I cut an onion.

5. Move more than absolutely necessary = exercise

6. Talk more than absolutely necessary = converse

I Realized My Potential Was On The Ground

Please forgive my absence...you ADORING fans! I fell into a coma I shall tell you about later.

List time!

Things (mostly edible) I would pay $12 for right now…at this moment in time…that may or may not be worth $12:

1. Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza – Pepperoni

2. 1 Episode of Cheers (with Dianne, of course); immediately followed by an episode of Saved By the Bell (11^th Grade).

3. A bowl of homemade tapioca pudding – yep, $12

4. To never have to watch the 1800’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special ever again. It will be more of an investment in myself.

5. For someone to walk up to me and tell me my hair looks good today. And mean it.

A Poem for My Thanksgiving Leftovers

Thanksgiving Leftovers -
I love you.

Turkey sandwich -
I love you, too.

Why, oh why
I ask over and over -
My dearest Leftovers -
Do the TV chefs and Rachel Ray want do weird things to you?
It just looks gross and stupid.

Microwave -
I love you.

I Dare You To Put A Feather In You Cap And Call it "Macaroni"

So I with all these leaves on the ground, I think I am going to turn one over and actually bring a dish to the family's Thanksgiving feast. I know what you are thinking - will the dish contain any food? Well, I am still debating.

I have been threatened, on numerous occasions, that if I didn't contribute to the Thanksgiving feast I would only get to eat the turkey skin. I threatened back - "Ohhh, we'll see about that." That always gets them. Always.

Stay tuned.

He Had A Memory Like The Pink Elephant In The Room

I took a course today on Workplace Safety. It was given by HR (still not clear what HR is; I really was hoping they would cover that).This course included a quiz at the end. One of those quizzes where I was told it didn’t matter how many I missed, but yet I had to turn it in so it could be scored.

I think the low light of the course was during the Tornado section was when I asked her to explain the fetal position. Not that I didn’t know what it was, or that I needed a refresher on how to do it (sorry coworkers), just why “fetal”? So creepy, unsafe sounding. Especially if used with tornado.

Chew On This - But Don't Choke

The Christmas Parade - This year I vow to try and understand the appeal. It mystifies me how newspapers are dying, but yet not dragging the Christmas parades down with them. Ever since I participated in my hometown's parade - as part of the 8th Grade Marching Instrumental Comb Band - the parades scatter my reasoning skills annually. Even camping makes more sense.

Questions I seek to resolve:
1. The waving - I admit it is my favorite part...I don't really have a question about it. Maybe just why can't some of the marching band members wave? I did in my comb band.
2. How is it some Christmas parades are before Thanksgiving parades? Try explaining that one to a child. Or me.
3. Why have I never heard of another parade, ever, with a Marching Instrumental Comb band?
4. And the most important and obvious question...Shouldn't some of the floats serve food? I mean, seriously...it's 2009.

She Was Older Than The Methusala Lab On Slocumb Street

I really, really want to come up with a “Get Rich Quick” scheme that works. I seriously do. Now, I am fully aware there are plenty of souls whose shoes fit my situation…but seriously, I would love a pair of ruby slippers!

Here are a few of the ideas I have been kicking around:

1. Barbra Streisand fan club – by paid membership only! $20 a person.

2. Socks for your hands – see…you wear them under gloves – Brilliant!

3. Four leaf clover finder – not sure how to make this, but who wouldn’t want it???

4. Dictionary for dummies – I have wanted to write one of these for a while. A book explaining the definition of the definitions is bound to sell!

It Was The Slowest Microwave He Ever Used

For some reason, today seems like a good day to diet log!

What Hubert ate on this precious Wednesday:

1. 1 precise serving of Golden Grahams – no milk…at my desk…carefully poured from its tiny box into my hand

2. 3 pieces of banana Laffy Taffy – What do you call a cow with a twitch? BEEF JERKY!

3. 3 pieces of Starburst fruit candy – Orange

4. Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket – including the single cold bite in the middle – one of life’s most unfortunate turn of events…ever.

5. 1 bag of Cheetos – the tiny bag, but yet my fingers still turned orange

6. Dinner – TBD…Yet, after careful assessment of my cupboard, refrigerator, attitude, and motivation…I think it will involve a drive-thru window and no utensils.

The Prayer of the Stick In the Mud - "Dear Lord, A Little More Rain and a Tad More Dirt, Please."

Today our HR department sent the company a web video on: "How to Properly Sneeze and Cough." Before I expand on this video, I would like to make it very clear that I have no idea what "HR" is or does. If I ever sound like I do, I am bluffing.

This video really made me think. All these years...since basically birth, I was completely unaware I was miserably failing at both sneezing and coughing. Miserably. Oh well. The video made no mention regarding addressing when someone else sneezes or coughs. What a cliffhanger!

I have decided to electronically mail HR this question:
When someone properly sneezes, what is the proper response?
a. Skat!
b. ACHOO, you too!
c. Bless you
d.God Bless You!
e. or the awkward silence of Does this person expect me to recognize the fact he just sneezed?

She Acted Like a Chicken With Its Head Cut Off -- Gross.

As you have probably noticed from previous posts...I am a an entrepreneur. Definitely. I always have my eyes and ears facing the wind's opportunity - should one ever wash up. So when I was at the coffee shop near my house and saw a couple that was clearly breaking to pieces...I thought, this poor girl needs an emotional stunt double. I wonder if I should ask her if I could step in right now? Think about it for a moment. Think about all the times you have heard the words, "So we need to talk" (or any sentence involving "talk/should/clean/need/you") and thought..."if only someone else could take my place right now. I would pay at least $50" I think I may be on to something.

Fat Chance is Better Than Skinny Chance...Any Day

Push the envelope. I think I am going to start doing it. I just need to figure out exactly what it means, and then I am all over it. I think it is a good thing...maybe?

Today in a meeting about meetings and charts and graphs, I was called upon for my thoughts: "Hubert, what do you think?" To be honest, I was thinking about whether or not I wanted a canned Dt. Pepsi or a bottled Dt. Coke. I actually wanted a canned Dt. Coke, but we don't have those in the office. I don't get it. Anyway, I knew they probably didn't want to hear about the current debate inside my head, so instead I replied, "Well, Sir, I think the pie chart tells the whole story." To which the Sir says, "Hubert, that's great. I agree. You really know how to push the envelope." I do? It took every fiber of my being to keep from asking what envelope, and was this envelope addressed, and to whom...not to mention if there was a chain letter inside??? Instead, I nodded and said, "Yes, Sir...prrreeetttyyyy much." For the record, that is the first time I have ever uttered that phrase that way. But from what I could tell, it also pushed the envelope.

The Monkey In The Middle Always Means Business

I am thinking of writing a chain letter. Now, I tried this before, and somehow got accused of running a smear campaign...well, against myself. It got back to me. Short chain. This time, I am not going to go the scary route to motivate. Even though fear does get the pot boiling, I don't like its smell. Thus, I am thinking of something cutesy - definitely a kitten and flowers must be incorporated for this one to work.

Top 3 or 4 themes for my chain letter:
1. Send this letter to 7 people you care about within 7 minutes, and you will have the luck of a kitten in a flower bed --- How could you resist?!
2. Send this letter to 7 people in upper management at your company within 7 minutes, and you will find the peace of a orange kitten in flowers, within your cubicle --- Again, another sure thing.
3. Send this letter along with a kitten and flowers to Hubert Bringer --- similar to what I did the last time, so maybe not a good choice.

If We Were All On the Same Page - There Would Be No Need For Books

Here we are friends - another blessed weekend.

Let's list my ideas/should do's/goals for this November weekend, along with the probability of me actually doing them.

Shall we?



1. Eat a sponge cake - 45% chance.
2. Attend my neighbors Rose and Claudia's party - 64% chance. I heard they have killer tea, not to mention beautiful china cups.
3. Start my collection - 2% chance
4. Watch and enjoy Hannah Montana - 94% chance
5. Vacuum - 34%
6. Learn about 2 current events - -3% chance.
7. Think about "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and how it truly is a fascinating film - 100%

Keep a Safe Social Distance

In today's post, I am doing two things I seldom do...or plan on doing. #1, The title actually relates to the post. #2, touching on a current event. I know you have been doodling in your minds the wonderment of why I don't love writing about current events...but avoiding such nasty subjects is the only way I might ever be current. Feel better?

Yet today while reading a poster on the office wall about how to "Avoid the H1N1 Virus" - I took one of HR's carefully calculated bullet points especially to heart. "Stay away from crowds, and keep a safe social distance." Safe social distance? As opposed to those slippery, slopey unsafe social distances? Hmmmm....bear hugs.

In an instant this ham hock virus sign changed my entire outlook on my exact coordinates, and how they related to everyone else. Then it all became eerily clear - maybe I should start living a little more on the dangerous side...

Keep Your Chin Up, Nose Down, and Ears Open

Time to start thinking about a new collection. My other collections are getting bbbbooorrriinnngg. I can't decide which collector's category I should delve into next. I must say, if I could find something to collect that would allow me to use my new magnifying glass to inspect it - that would be dandy.

Ideas:
1. Antiques - just in general. Or maybe a focus on lamps. Or lampshades. Or bulbs. I just secretly long to join in antique discussions..."Oh, my that is indeed very tique"
2. Current movies, books, or video games - I could try and get hip and collect any of these items that have, "Collector's Edition" on the cover!
3. Quarters - Tried and failed to collect coinage many times over - so probably, no.
4. Paper dolls - Does it count as a collection if they are all made by myself, secretly during office meetings, on recycled paper? - How no one notices the sound of scissors, tape and giggling is beyond me.
5. Comic strips - preferably of Cathy

Hanging In There...Better Than Being Dropped In There

Today feels like a day for a list. Indeed. I shall mold this list around the incredible events that made up, what might be called "today."

In any order, but most likely the order I have put them:
1. Best alarm clock in the world - 70lb dog relieving his 70lb bladder on the carpet...while staring right at me.
2. Most practical discovery of the month - I realized the person that has been working two cubicles from me for 3.5 weeks is not named Seven, like I have been calling him...but Steven. Much more common.
3. Best cereal for dinner of the week - Strawberry Frosted Mini-Wheats (not endorsin, just truthin)
4. Worst idea ever - Teen Jeopardy

Be Sure to Keep Your Wishy's Washy

Special moments in time – slivers of life – when you realize you still have the ability to wish. Moments like when you are on the stationary bike at the gym in your office building – on the bike that does not always change levels/gears, but you discovered if you pick it up by the handlebars and drop it really hard then it kicks back in, but that has made for some awkward moments of explaining why you are dropping the bike and #2, how you discovered dropping the bike fixed the problem. These are precious moments on this bike, while having your speed involuntarily fluctuate and watching the gym’s television that surprisingly has satellite reception (what?). You time your bike ride just right, so you can catch the Game Show Network’s afternoon broadcast of Jeopardy reruns (oh, how handsome Alex manages to stay). Then you realize when the two women from your office join in beside you, and are now making too much noise on the elliptical machines for you to hear the Jeopardy answers, the remote is beside the TV. If you get up to turn up the volume, then your workout might time out – much less the bike’s speed might never recover. So you can either just read the questions and forever wonder if you were right, or start listening to these women talk breathlessly about their weekends. You settle for eavesdropping, and then realize that despite their panting descriptions, their weekends were still booorrriiinnggg…you look longingly back to Alex whom is mouthing something arrogantly to the contestants. It is in these special times you realize you wish…wish ever so mightily….that you had go-go gadget arms.

Day Light Savings! Buy One Day - Get an Hour Free!

I think my kid to candy ratio might be off this year. I forgot I moved to a neighborhood that likes to breed, while I was purchasing the Tootsies at the store yesterday. So I think I should work on a few of my favorite tricks before the evening arrives. Maybe brush up on the, "Is this your card?" and maybe the classic, "I've got your nose!" I know I could go and get more Tootsies, but aren't the options "trick" or "treat"? Children need to learn the value of being kept on their toes.

Either way, my porch light must stay lit.

Listen! It Sounds Like a Plan

Not good, not good, not good! Of all the attributes I ever possessed good judgment and class have probably been the two I could flaunt with ease. No more! But is ignorance bad judgment? I thought it was bliss. Today was my company’s annual Halloween costume contest. I, of course, chose to dress up as the 1997 Barbra Streisand. I had no idea the clay nose I made apparently looked like, ummm, well, not a nose. Let’s just leave it at that. But I don’t know which is worse…my colleagues not recognizing my Barbra Streisand costume or them thinking I was Barbra Streisand with a man part nose, OR just thinking I knew I was dressed as a fancy woman with a man part nose!

I May Think I'm Too Cool For the Bus, But My Lawyer Doesn't

Today - friends, Romans, countrymen - lend me not your boredom, but your curiosity because despite all the giant "Who cares?" signs we post on our foreheads...we all still want to see what each other looks like beside a triple waterfall! I mean, duh. So, dear avid readers, I will give you a b-r-e-a-k from all the nonsense, and let you get a glimpse of my glorious figure!

In photo (left to right): Hubert Bringer, Todd Seldom

Make a Long Story Short - Cut Out the Middle Man

Ahhhh…the big but(t)s that surround us daily. That put halts in our slippery steps. I have been thinking of what to do about some of the big but(t)s in my life, and I think I am onto something…something resembling a bike, with a tiny seat, on a narrow road, moving quickly past the behind that all but(s) bring.

The biggest but(t)s in my life, in no particular order, or real reason to list them:

1. But why? ---

2. But MOMMMMMM! …not really applicable to me…at all, but I think about it at random moments when I want my way

3. I can’t believe it’s not BUTTER --- I, like the rest of America, just need to let this one go…just let it go

4. But out --- there’s always a nicer way to say this phrase…always

5. My overuse of the word “button,” such as “cute as a button,” or “great, there goes another button.”

A Mountain's Potential Is Measured By The Determination Of a Mole

I am thinking of getting a car alarm installed. Not that my car has much to alarm me about. More due to the fact I am really into finding ways to make noise, and then with a push of a button – SILENCE! Oh, how I have started longing to suddenly stop a conversation, tilt my head slightly to the left, while looking intently to the ground, and then say, “Hold on, I think I hear my car alarm. Please let me go check.” That my friends, is how you get respect.

I Got To the Bottom Of IT - Only To Find Out IT Came To The Surface

This time of year...makes us all think of one thing: Apple Bobbing. Seriously, doesn't that sound AWESOME right about now?! Your face takes a refreshing dip, as you furiously chomp and bite your way through questionable, spit-ridden water. Sheer exhilaration.

I think tomorrow I will bring in my bobbing supplies to share with my coworkers (colleagues). A good morning to all!

For On-The-Job-Apple-Bobbing --- Mom's Recipe:
1. 1 Medium size dishpan
2. 4 - 5 Red Delicious apples (I am realistic on participation)
3. Lukewarm Water
4. 1 Towel
5. 1 Disposable camera

If You Take Matters Into Your Own Hands - Use Plenty of Sanitizer

Everyday Business Role Playing --- Ahhhh, agony? Or a thrill?

I took a two day course, and I am not sure what it was about, but I am pretty sure it was about improving role playing skills. I realized I need quite a bit of practice.


Excerpt from today --- Role Play #34, "How to Pretend You Are Handling an Irate Customer":
Instructor: Hubert, why don't you pretend you own a Widget company, and receive a call from an irate customer because his widget arrived in pieces.
Hubert: How else should a "widget" arrive?
Instructor: Assembled
Hubert: Battery included?
Instructor: Widgets don't need batteries...(sigh)...and Paul, you please pretend you are the customer.
Paul: Ring, ring, ring, ring
Hubert: Why are you saying that? I thought you were mad?
Paul: I am pretending the phone is ringing, so answer it.
Hubert: But I thought you were supposed to be the angry customer, not a phone. Can't someone else be the phone?
Instructor: Please just continue.
Hubert: Ok. Thank you for calling my Widget Company, how may I help you?
Paul: Sir, I am calling to complain because the widget I ordered last week arrived in pieces.
Hubert: Oh my, that's terrible! When did you order it?
Paul: I just said that. Last week.
Hubert: Were the batteries included?
Paul: It doesn't need batteries.
Hubert: Well, sir, I assure you I would never sell a widget that doesn't need batteries. That is just stupid.
Paul: But you did, and it is in pieces.
Hubert: Hmmmm...let me see. Now, when did you order it?
Instructor: Ok, that's good enough Hubert.

Enjoy More Surprises - Ignore Fine Print

The zipper: An absolutely amazing contraption. The world of simple mechanics at its best. Even alerts regarding the zipper are simple, “XYZ.” Yet, they can also cause such a world of pain. Physical and emotional. The stuck zipper. The zipper body that’s separated from its home track. Agonizing. Yet, the suffering caused by the discovery of over exposure from neglecting a zipper…now that is just a depth of hurt the pants wearing among the world can feel together. For those of you that both read and remember – you will know I discussed the ability to believe in the “no one noticed.” Oh, but they always notice the down crotch zipper.

The Day the Doornail Came to Life

New game – Friday afternoon ideas for the weekend --- On Sunday, evaluate the weekend vs. ideas.








Ideas:
1. Buy and wear a wig (preferably blond and curly)
2. Have someone guess my weight, while I am wearing wig
3. Revisit weight guesser without wig, and have them re guess
4. Weigh the wig – possibly in the produce department’s scale for accuracy
5. Make a fruit salad – Include canned coconut and marshmallows!

T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y

I would like to define this Thursday by my unprecious discoveries:

a. A ginormous nose dangler – the sort that averts eyes, with the exception of children…and somehow, you know it’s there, or you think you know, but you forget unless you are having a conversation with your supervisor, so you go to the bathroom and wonder, “Dear Lord, how long has that been there?”

b. Unforgiving deo on BOTH sides of my black sweater – the ultimate compare and contrast

c. No one informed me of either

And then the precious discovery:

d. I still retain the power to believe no one noticed a. or b. and therefore am so strangely relieved.

Enjoy a Good Read Regularly

I think I want to try being offensive, or maybe getting easily offended. Or both, and see which fits this crumbling cookie best. Not that I necessarily see either sticking with me like my new style of walking, but what’s wrong with a little shock value? Shock holds its value far better than most inanimate commodities.

Don’t worry – I will not be offensive to you readers. I know the internet is not the correct forum for such an activity. The grocery checkout line on the other hand….

Or it might be better to be easily offended for a while. A little less work. Though I will need to practice my gasping/shocked look.

Enough is Enough

I was just told I need a little more initiative. What the hell? Well, how do you know when enough is enough? These stupid words from the 90’s that love to linger!!!

How do I start adding to what my somewhat qualified, initiating source of a being elegantly referred to as, “somewhat lacking”? I lack.

I just did a little research to: a) actually figure out what initiative is and b) find out where you get it.

It is not looking good my friends. Not good indeed.

Hit the Ground Running Before it Hits You Back

I am finally thinking about getting a cellular telephone (often referred to as mobile devices). I have not really had much of a need for one, since their gale force winds erupted against the cracked windows of my fellow man. My landline has held my communicating together just fine. I like a steady number.

But all these commercials! And mailers! And billboards! And people twirling signs on street corners!!!! Talk about a moth to a flame over here! I am even considering apps. Now, I just need a plan.

Know No Now

Time to mix things up a bit! Make another sort of concoction from the unbaked batter spilling over in my head. I think I shall try to crack this door a little wider, so that you can maybe get to know me a little better...you know - since my letters are tiptoeing over your eyeballs.

Thus, for today I thought I should answer - In what areas does Hubert's excel?

I am taking a shotgun approach to answering this today, and then I might take a Colt 45 (the beer of course) approach later as well.

Top skills include:
1. Noticing new on friends: hairstyles, articles of clothing, teeth whitenings, curtains (in their house), glasses, or other unlisted enhancements/dehancements --- I am still working on when to comment on what, and it proves to be a lifelong challenge.
2. Driving in the right hand lane on the highway
3. Using chopsticks
4. Thumb wrestling
5. Getting the last question right on Jeopardy
6. Spotting 4 leaf clovers --- not so good at finding the luck that accompanies

Sometimes Screaming Works Just As Well

I will be honest. Today I have a pocket full of "nothings" up my sleeve (imagine that shirt). Seriously, I have taken my empty to-do list quite seriously, and have sat quietly - occasionally rethinking the arrangement of my living room furniture. Plus, I heard it might rain.

A list of thoughts that pass through my cross-hairs when I am doing nothing:
1. How absolutely amazing the cereal isle is - think about it.
2. The number of hours, minutes, and seconds left to do nothing - occasionally I have to check the status
3. How it is possible there are so many college football teams
4. What is Bob Barker doing at this exact moment?
5. After imagining the answer to the Bob Barker question, I wonder what Kelly Clarkson is thinking

On this day --- Oct 09, 2000, Barbra appears on the cover of US magazine

I heard there is a secret to getting older. I don’t really get that. How is something even my sub par intelligent dog can do a secret? Wait, wait, I think it is - there is a secret to happiness? Or is it a Secret Service? Secret ingredient, maybe? To success? Why so many secrets?

OK, I think I need a good secret.

Got it – the secret to never having to go number 2 at work.

The Early Worm Might Be a Centipede

I think I am going to start decorating for the holidays as soon as their respective decorations go on sale. Embrace the upcoming, soon-to-be seasons. Give Commercialism’s push the first falling domino for which it so desperately thirsts.

Since I just decided this – I realized I am WAY behind on Halloween. I have been denying myself candy corn and spider rings for weeks now! Not even sure if I have a chance to make Thanksgiving, but I might be just in time for Christmas!

One Day I Will Be Sittin' Round the Fire (talkin bout "hey now")

I am thinking about purchasing a stop watch. Not sure if I want it to be an Olympic trainer necklace version or on the wrist.

Time is important (so I have been told). So I think I need to stop taking it for granted (again, so I have been told) - and be a little more careful with it. Really start measuring precious moments. I could get real satisfaction setting PR's, and knowing my speedier calculation of tips, finding the backslash on the keyboard, or matching my socks (not to mention tying the shoe laces!) is putting fresh, new seconds back into my dwindling earthly existence! Ready, set, go!!! ////////////

My Heart = Location of My Home

Oh jeez...this business trip I am on with my coworkers (colleagues) is slowly painting a picture of how socially awkward I can be; this picture is possibly going to be masterpiece.

Last night I thought it would be a good idea to try and fit in (high five anyone?), so I was nodding my head away while the group of fellows were discussing all the grownup/current event/businessy things - like Steve Jobs, Health care, transatlantic flights, and Delaware. I felt my silence standing in the small crowd growing taller, so I blurted, yes blurted, "I wonder how many copies Barbara Streisand's new CD will sell?" Ugggghhh...oh Hubert. No one but me even knew she had a new CD. So basically, in addition to high fiving, I think I shall work on my knowledge and delivery of "hot topics." PBS - here I come!

Avoid Stepping on Cracks - Save Mothers' Backs

I decided should work on my relationships with coworkers. Colleagues. I think this weekend trip with a few of them will be the perfect place to put into effect a few of the tips I have learned in the book - How To Be Friendly In the Workplace, Come On, You Can Do It - Lighten Up - For Dummies.

One whole chapter is devoted to - duh - the high five. I have been slapping walls for practice. There is another chapter for the fist bump. I have also been punching walls. I hope my hotel neighbors aren't bothered.

Now, if only there were ways to practice when which is appropriate.

Oh, the fear of being left hanging.

When Life Gives You Tony Danza - Make "Who's The Boss?"

The title of this blog is so classic and deep, I feel the need to leave you with only it for today.