When Life Gives You Tony Danza - Make "Who's The Boss?"

The title of this blog is so classic and deep, I feel the need to leave you with only it for today.

Part 1 - When One Door Closes

Think hard - What do these three photos have in common?

Exactly.

The power of positive thinking.




I have started thinking about the power of positive thinking. P-O-W-E-R.







I have been told think happy thoughts, and happy little moments will magically plop on your lap, like rabbit turds on a dewy morning. Thus, I decided I need such turds - quite desperately - so I am thinking about them, and how cute they are. Ho hum.

To begin my brain's new journey of thinking in a new direction, I thought I should make a list of the top four things I will miss being negative about.
1. Waking up - Oh, how I love to hate a new day
2. Wheel of Fortune - I will still turn the channel immediately after Jeopardy, but before I do, I will make sure to notice how mobile Vanna still looks.
3. Grocery stores, grocery lists, grocery carts, etc. - I can't wait to look forward to checking out
4. The Beach Boys

When A Fat Lady Sings - It's Over.

Lately I have started considering getting a tattoo. I really think I might need to find a place on my body to express myself. To say to the world, "World, this is what you have done to me." I know what you are probably thinking...that maybe I should be out of this phase, and should have already expressed whatever I should have needed to express through a tattoo about 2 years ago, and so now whatever I choose will likely be a sad interpretation of Goofy gazing into a starry night. I know, I know.

Here are a few of ideas for my tattoo(s)...(heard it's hard to stop at one)
1. Goofy gazing thoughtfully into a starry night, as if to say, "I am the most misunderstood Disney character of all. Only the stars see me for whom I really am."
2. A tear drop under my left eye - it may or may not apply to what happened to Uncle Ned.
3. A dolphin inside a heart, on top of clown head - Seriously, does it get any deeper?
4. Real Chinese letters - spelling Moo Goo Gai Pan - can you imagine the face on the Chinese waiter when he asks for my order and I just point to my forearm????!!

If It Hurts When You Touch It, Don't Touch It.

I am thinking of becoming an eBay seller. Or is it "seller on eBay?" hmmmm. I think I have plenty to offer the world of wide web people that like unopened crap. My motivations? Well, as you can probably figure out by now, I like hobbies. Also, I think it is a great way to make new friends. Can anybody say "Pen Pals!!!"? I can hardly wait to capture people in their most natural states of "hunting" for their perfect My Little Ponies (Fizzy and Galaxy) to keep them glorious in their original boxes for eternity!

So after surveying my belongings, I am thinking I might have to go out and buy a few things to put for sell.

Dreaming of Barbados is Easier

Have you ever had one of those weeks, and I mean WEEK (Monday-Friday), where every single minute felt like you were stuck on an episode of Oprah? And not one of the episodes where you are geekily winning a corny lotion or learning how sexy a diaphragm can be, but more like one of the shows where when the camera pans around the audience, every single slobbering woman is crying because Barbara Streisand is telling a story of how poor she used to be...so poor that she had to pretend a water jug was her baby doll. Yes, a week like that. I hope you haven't, but if you have, please know that Hubert here has a remedy.

Here is my recipe for post disaster:
Step 1: Take one look in the mirror and tell yourself - "My baby doll is not a water jug, but if it ever becomes one, I will still love it."
Step 2: Make a drink that is 8oz skim milk, 2tbsp of chocolate syrup, and 3 tbsp Metamucil
Step 3: Get the courage to find what smells in your house - then do whatever might be appropriate to get rid of the smell
Step 4: And finally, find that Bill Cosby record and play the birth skit at least 4 times.

The Leaves Are Dying, Not Just Changing Colors

I overheard a few fellow beings discussing a book club today, and it sounded like something I should definitely start and slowly quit. Maybe halfway through the first book. Let's not kid ourselves here. We have all found that high school friend online (or she/he found us rather), and emailed rapid fire questions excitedly back and forth, possibly for days in a row, but then realized her/his life included way more detergent in a week than ours ever could imagine, so we slowly pulled away...until that special reunion dinner became an email in the delete folder. I know that is what my book club will most surely be. So what?

I just took an inventory of my current books and found 97% have quite the reverse picture/word ratio for an adult. Ho hum.

It's Always Easier When Someone Else Does It For You

Water cooler talk – I am terrible at it. I really like that phrase though. So professional. I think I should start improving my cooler talking skills. After this morning’s experience, I think a good place to start would be catching up on the local sports and current events. It seems my super long, drawn out version of “awweeeessssoooommmme” doesn’t always fit or win high fives (but possibly has left a few painfully hanging). But now that I think about it, I don’t really care for high fives. Or water coolers.

Weekends - Like Book Ends - Keep Us From Falling Over

Thinking about buying a plant. Only thing is I don't know much about plants, or our Mother Earth in general. All I know is I am supposed to love her. I do. Greeeeeennnnnn. So maybe I will get to know my Mother Earth a little better by nurturing one of her own. Thumbs can be born again too, right? I just need to decide a few things. Since I have been on a roll making lists, I think I will make a list of the things I need to do before I buy my plant.

1. Make sure it does not flower - don't think I can handle the ups and downs.
2. Find a place to put it that makes sense - this could take a few weeks
3. Find a source of water

4. Buy a pair of gloves

To Every Child - In or out. In or out.

Do you ever have so much to do that you end up just sitting and staring blankly, wondering how indulgent purchasing the complete box set of Mork & Mindy would be? Nanu-nanu.

Procrastinating, not to be confused with procreating (though both are very popular worldwide) is an amazing talent I have lying deep within my core.

Favorite ways to put off what brings completion:
1. Making lists (they may or may not apply to any given situation)
2. Drawing fish
3. Spinning in a chair, while trying to catch something
4. Eavesdropping
5. Debating Mork & Mindy box set purchase

It's All In A Day - All Of It

When I think of volunteering, usually the first thing that comes to mind is, well the obvious – “Where did Sally Struthers go?” After that, I think of how I usually would prefer to get paid to do nice things for people. BUT that always opens up the illegal immigration debate, and I would prefer to keep this blog out of politics.

A few facts about where I was volunteering last night – the Food Bank.
A bank where
1. No deposit is too small
2. If you rob it, you will most definitely go to hell
3. Transaction fees only apply to those drunk driving, misdemeanor souls (it happens)
4. Clearly the juvy kids are sent to be everyone’s investment

Better to Sweep Up the Glass Than Walk On It

It’s been said that having clean teeth is to be one step closer to God. I think about this twice, or even three times depending on various factors, a day. Today I almost asked my hygienist how she felt about this, and if she knew where that saying originated. We had little time to chat though. Besides the barely bearable awkward “Hi-how’s-it-going-have-a-seat-please-turn-your-head-a-little-more-to-the-right-no-a-little-more-that’s-good-thanks” kind of exchange. Then boy did she dig right into my mouth the second my back was in full recline. I then couldn’t decide if she was doing God’s work, or if she was sent from hell.

It Wasn't He Wasn't a Dead Beat...More Like His Rhythm Was Sick

So I think I should take a class. Now I just need to figure out what I don't know so I can try to capture it in a room with others. Like decorating teacups. Or driver's ed again.

What's the Speed Limit Down Memory Lane?

Well, Uncle Ned has honed his influencing skills. He keeps going on and on about how his recent "find" of the How to Win Friends and Influence People book has changed his approach to everything. Annoying though he keeps calling it a novel.

Anyway, he has talked me - the most reluctunt to unpinch a found penny of personality types - into joining a Fantasy Football League. Ugggh. The obvious reasons of course, would be he wants my money, or even draw me an interest into a world of sports. But nope, he's just winning friends.

Brighten a Child's Day With a Non-Creepy Smile

Now - for all you sensible adult eaters, this one is for you. I live a life style like a lot of others. You can describe it how you wish - but it is a "life style" nonetheless. That said, cooking comes as natural to me as it comes to a handless hermit. Not that I don't aspire, and vow countless times that I will figure out why my oven should ever need to self clean?????

I would like to take another opportunity to tell those of you that don't believe in second chances, that there are. Not all macaroni and cheeses call for milk.

His Family Jewels Always Kept Him From Having Too Many Friends

Waiting - hard to do? The hardest part? Maybe. Having my Dr. pull it out was probably the hardest part, but this might be a unique case. Today, I almost bolted. Scrammed. Skidoodled. I was tired of waiting, and I wanted to make it to a universally popular fast food establishment before the dreaded 10:30am breakfast deadline. But I was waiting in a waiting room. I need a little more room to wait, please - thanks.

While I sat there with these other miserable souls, I of course did what most people do, and played pretend mind games with everyone else in the room, and as usual that got old pretty quickly. Especially since my waiting room was full of people who didn't seem to like staring contests with strangers. Booorrrinnng.

Thus, I realized I could be a first. I could be someone that said, "I made it on time, so see me within 15 minutes or I'll leave."

Then I wondered if checking in counted against the cancellation policy, if you left out of "waiting room principle". If not, that would be a $25 bill in the mail. I would have to mail in a check. That involves checks and stamps, neither of which ever seem to be in the same room for me at the same time.

Hmmphh...Staying Room.

My Poker Face Almost Always Has a Pair of Diamonds

Coupons - pronounced either Q-pons, or Coo-pons - depending on the side of your tracks, are something I have never quite managed to take to whatever store they might be redeemed. Let's go back to the pronunciation really quickly though. Since I say "Q"-pons, as I type this I am now thinking about Q-tips. Tips about Q's? Please, please, give me one. They are a bitch when playing scrabble.

Anyway, back to the task - I clipped, ok, let's be honest - tore - several out on Sunday. It was a sheer blast. B-L-A-S-T. I kept thinking of all the savings! Don't get me wrong; I am from America, and have done this before, but something about all the new possibilities of items to buy, and even cook, just started driving me wild. Now it is Tuesday. The pile of coupons sits on my table in the way of my burger I am about to unwrap. Oh, Q.

How do you tell your imaginary friend they have B.O.?

Have you ever opened your eyes to a bright, sunny morning, greeted the word with open arms, and knew whatever the day might bring - you were ready to tackle it? I haven't. Not really a morning person that thinks that way.

But here we are again - a morning post - thus I will brighten my own day indulging myself with a few nonsensical words that mostly that man I saw with the safari hat inside the museum, and way too engrossed in the light up map of where dinosaur bones were found (I mean this man was into this map; he swatted away a three-year-old's hand like it was a fly over his fried chicken) and myself understand. Oh, and Lenny. Duh.

Hubert's Favorite Things to Think about before 10 on Labor Day:

1. What is/isn't open today - secretly wishing most places are closed so I don't have to go, and if they aren't, pretending they are because it is Labor Day.
2. What to eat for breakfast - this brings us back to #1 - sort of.
3. What to wear - this brings us back to #1
4. If I should get an indoor safari hat - back to #1

Even Storks Go On Vacation

I went on a plane recently. On this ride, two things did not happen that I must report.

1) I did not stuff my carry on contents into the girl's mouth who sat behind me

2) I did not buy the three dollar can of pringles the airline so graciously had for sale

To expand on number 1.

a) She either was just released from solitary confinement

b) Buddha sent her to prove I was worthy of my level II "Little Buddha Certificate - Meditate and Levitate"

Remember - Rarely are trips one way.

You can always tell a brain teaser by the length of her skirt

I was informed this morning that there is a fantastic sale going on in my favorite apparel store. You can probably guess what store that is. But I refuse to do endorsements. Duh. My friend actually looked at me quite pleadingly when she told me about this sale. She seemed to be saying it was more than 7 minutes I needed back this morning. It was 7 minutes, plus a massive clothing sale. I listened to the descriptions of percentages off of shirts, bottoms, and even party hats. I made sure my face turned into a combination of concerned excitement that hearing, “You must hurry and be excited about hurrying” always brings.

I am not going to this sale. I am not going to buy any clothes from my favorite store. I will think about it. I will consider it. I will picture me parking at the mall, pushing the door that says “pull”, getting embarrassed and then pulling, going down the escalators thinking, “Why don’t I ever park closer?” going into the store, feeling the looks of the clerks with me wishing with all my might they won’t feel like helping me today, picking out my amazing deals, trying them on, feeling excited because they fit, purchasing, walking out with that new bag, going up the escalator, pushing the door this time, and driving away in glee.

Nope, not going to do it.

If I’d get Id out of my life – I would have breakfast.

Definition of Id: According to Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality, the id is the personality component made up of unconscious psychic energy that works to satisfy basic urges, needs, and desires. The id operates based on the pleasure principle, which demands immediate gratification of needs.

My Id – Tells my almost fixed state of not quite morning beauty equals ready for work, since I held ever so tightly to those 7 extra minutes of sleep.

My Id – Is the driving force to check my personal email on company time – even though I know with about 96% certainty – no one ever emails that account except my alma mater and the company that wants my ding dong larger.

My Id – Dwells within me so fiercely that with every inch of life I leave behind, a million silent tantrums follow my trail.

Thus, there was no Tony the Tiger dancing in my flakes this morning. Despite last night’s pledge to him… “Remember your dancing shoes son.”

I Was Never Afraid of My Shadow Until I Realized It Was Following Me

It must be told - I did not make the world's best lasagna tonight for my friends. I thought about doing that one time. Making a lasagna. For friends. A lasagna for friends that would then instantly become "world's best" upon making its appearance into what those in the cooking world call "room temperature". Sometimes, my friends, thoughts - such as baking for loved ones - count for nothing at all except fantasies to help us go to sleep. Agree? So while I did not wait for my lasagna to bake, cool, be served, consumed, and then sent away for leftovers - I instead made a list. This list has no order, rhyme, reason...just a list to complete a day that had too many lists meant for tomorrow.
Anyway, I heard these things make one feel organized. So let's try.

1. Make the bed
2. The Color Purple
3. Watch Uncle Ned become a man - the true story
4. Seven years before the lucky number
5. Clean up my dirty mind
6. Return Tae Bo video

Yep, I feel much better now.

Day One - A Sleeping Dog Never Lies

LISTEN - This post, as well as all the following posts that will either exist or not exist -- are certain to change your life. OR not. So please wipe your feet, dry your hands, and crinkle your forehead and welcome that new wrinkle with open arms - because we are finally here. Finally. Remember to check regularly -- postcard reminders are for those who never move.