Shout out to the BIRD

(Feelin' sassy today)

Thanksgiving is quite possibly the best thing we have made up in this great land of the USA. I know this isn't an original thought or post for the day, but it would disrespectful those pillygrams and indyuns (there's my new accent) if I didn't mention how we have carried forth all their sacrifices.

What makes Thanksgiving so awesome: 
1.  For starters, despite all of Canada's efforts to one-up Thanksgiving, they never can quite get there.  (yeah, that's called taunting)
2. Its nickname is "Turkey Day" - there is no other day of the year that's nickname is for what is to be eaten and that is A-O-Merican, which I am PTB (umm, proud to be, if you are a little slow).
3. "Thanks" - when said from the heart, is one of the top three words in our language. Actually, when said with sarcasm from the heart it can be pretty darn effective, too.  Yep, no matter what you can't go wrong with "thanks" (giving on the other hand - circumstantial for sure)

Living in a VIDEO World

If you can't tell by my last two posts, I have really gotten into YouTube.  Like I know people have been looking at it for years now.  I know, I know.  I'm a YouTube late bloomer.  So sue me.  It's not like I haven't "been there, done that," with other cool trends - like scrap booking and cock fighting and don't forget all my scarves. 

Where is this going????!!!!  No where, so get off my back! 

A Special Dedication

 Remembering someone's birthday, sometimes even your own, can be a challenge ... (insert joke about the day after)

 Now to all those born on this day November 23rd, please take time to learn this:

OUT - IN

Now, what's all this "Streisand out" and "Dr. Oz in" business all about?  Well, another day I will officially discuss my outing, let's focus in the inning ... this man makes a difference people.  A DIFFERENCE.

Ways Dr. Oz is better than Barbara Streisand:
1. Dr. Oz uses way more interactive props
2. Oz is a way better name.  I mean it's a dream land and a prison show
3. Oprah's Dr. vs. Oprah's "special guest" ... which one would you rather perform heart surgery on you?  Huh?

If You've Tried Counting Sheep...

 

It's Been a While, Eh?

Just when you get that feeling I'ma gone-a foreva (picked up a random accent since I've been gone.  Use it randomly).  I'ma bock.

So what's been happening in my life?  Has it gone anywhere?  Well, maybe.  I found the owner of a lost bike a couple of months ago.  It was so scared.  Ummm, I've almost decided to start making good on certain promises.  Really making progress in that area. 

Here's what's cooking in my life in list format:

1. Barbara Streisand out - Dr. Oz in
2. Have continued learning to never, ever doubt the way of an Asian is cooler
3. The bad economy really ruined my follow up to the snuggie idea - the snuggie/huggie (included a diaper)

YES!

Drip, Drip, Drop, Drop

Drip, drip, drip, drip..."Good morning HUBERT!" said my leaky ceiling a few hours ago. Sigh. Right over my bed at that. What on Earth?


This moment has inspired a list of 3 strange wake ups I am in the mood to share (consider today a little "get to know me post") -
1. 7am on a Sunday- Water dripping on my head - which is stranger - that I have water dripping on my head at 7am, or my upstairs neighbor has a source of overflowing water residing over my bedroom? It's a mystery...it isn't where her bathroom is, or kitchen, maybe a secret garden???
2. 6:22am on a Saturday - Two large women pounding on my door - they are inquiring about the snakes for sale??? No, I do not own nor ever will own a snake, much less sell it.
3. 10:33am on a Tuesday - I had overslept on a workday 4 hours. Oops.

Box it UP

Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. If you will please refer to yesterday's post...I have been thinking hard during stop-and-go traffic about how to end the phrase "Think outside the box." Stupid box. Inside. Outside. Thinking. I am done with that phrase! So I figured out a plan.

Prepare yourself...it is getting ready to get hotter than ever in Hubertland!

What scares people that think around boxes???? Being politically incorrect! Dare I write the word...racist? Just watch a box thinker squirm when you ask him to describe his favorite Cosby episode! So...my plan? I am on a mission to spread the word that "Think outside the box" is racial slang! Sheer genius.

I picture the conversation like this:
Box Thinker: Hubert, really try thinking outside the box.
Hubert: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!
Box Thinker: That you need to really think outside the box.
Hubert: Excuse me, but do you know what you are saying? That's really racist language. I am offended.

Burn that Box

Two things kept me very occupied on my stop-and-go drive home today...

1. My undying wish to end all uses of the phrase, "Think outside the box."
2. Puzzlement regarding why the teeny Indian man in the beautiful, brand new red Porsche beside me was so, so, so close to the steering wheel looking so, so, so afraid.

HUUUUBERRRRRT!

A favorite quote of mine has always been, "To express oneself, you have to first be yourself." It really defines how I feel. Okay, I really just made that quote up and the sentence after. Beautiful and inspiring nonetheless. Want me to do another?

Selflessness takes the less out of self.

Ok, now that I have or have not your attention...Lately I have taken up philosophy, meditating, and eating more raw as well as lightly sauteed carrots. The results? Definitely better eyesight.

Thus, I will leave you with a few things I saw last week, then thought about, and finally had to take a deep breath...
1. A moving truck with, "Movers Not Shakers" on the side going at least 53 mph over a speed bump...to the point it got air.
2. A fellow on a motorcycle that had a handicap license plate.
3. At an exit ramp, a "little person" running full speed into nearby woods.

Things are heating up!

This Is For All The Marbles!

After careful calculation, I decided I need to be a little more savvy (not to be confused with sassy). Now I know what you might be thinking...I want to be savvy just because it is a neat-o word. Maybe. Nonetheless, I would like to be some sort of savvy, but not sure what.

A few ideas I might savvy up on:
1. Computer savvy - I did finally learn control+alt+delete is much better than unplugging and running from the computer...might be on my way yet!

2. Savvy shopper - Not even a clue on where to start with this one. I know I have to know how to look for deals or something like that??? Or is it bargain well? Hmmm.

3. Bank investment savvy - How I long to be asked, "Hubert, what's in your portfolio?" and both know what the H that means AND have a savvy answer!

Gravity...Keeps Us Grounded

Soooooooo last night - I dropped my phone into a cup of water. On accident. How, you might ask, does a cellular telephone end up in a red cellophane cup of water? The same way my favorite pen ended up in the toilet earlier this week. G-R-A-V-I-T-Y.

Now bear with me...this post will contain valuable information if you stick with it!

At the time of the drop, I was on the phone with one of my patient friends telling him about a dream I had. I had been dying to tell someone about this dream, but he is the only one I have left that will listen to my dreams anymore. I was getting to the good part where the alligator started chasing me through the roses that started turning into purple monkeys when fate intervened and PLOP!

Now that I got an audience for the end of my dream, I will pass along the valuable information...if you drop your phone in water, take it apart, dry it off as well as possible, then put it in a container of uncooked rice for at least 24 hours. It works. CLICK HERE!

Say What??!!

I am thinking of giving up my American Idol habit.

American Idol - As you probably can imagine, I am a faithful viewer, and have been for years. I think I single-handedly got Clay Aiken to the finals via my relentless redial voting method. The "Paula Years" as I like to call the time in my life with Paula Abdul in it...they were magical.

But lately, things just haven't felt the same....

On a separate but related note, have you ever realized you have been watching television for an extended period of time at a very high volume level? I have.

3!

My three words for today to describe: my weekend plans, feelings about my new decision to diet, pollen, people that eat apples in front of me, recurring dreams, and last but not least...Ricky Martin.

1. Move when prodded
2. Will not last
3. Trees little revenge
4. Death to you
5. Had one again
6. Rat Pack Leader (wait, or is that Dean Martin?)

Sink, Swim, or Something In between

I can clearly see the marker measuring whether or not I was tall enough to ride the fair ride. Ohhh, that little creepy pirate holding up his hand telling me I had to be, "This high, matey." The thrill of passing the height test; quickly to be ruined by sheer terror of a rickety pirate ship ride. A piece of me longs for more creepy pirate signs in my life. You know, to let me know when it is okay to do something, but no promises I will like it.

This high, matey.

(obviously feeling a bit reflective today, please excuse me)

I Decided To Take On the Day, Only To Want It Off a Few Minutes Later

If a caring soul were to say right now to me, “How was your day Hubert?” My reply would be, “I am very unsure.” I really am. During an interoffice phone conversation today I was told, “Hubert, you can really be difficult to work with sometimes.” To which I replied, “Hmmmmm.” I of course could not see his face (no interoffice skyping), only do a weight calculation on the tone of voice for whether or not he was joking – result was inconclusive. Inconclusive will have to suffice. I do not want to know.

If I may be honest…………….Now, I do not wish to be difficult in any respect. Especially when time and dollars are involved. Yet, I also don’t really have the urge to take necessary steps to become “easy” either.

Hmmmmm.

Count Me IN

It has been requested by my country for me to complete and mail back a Census form. I have my unopened Census questionnaire here in front of me. I just haven't been able to decide on the proper time to count myself. To be somebody!

And I hate to get all "Andy Rooney" on you friends, but I couldn't help but notice something on the envelope. It reads, "Your response to the U.S. Census Bureau is required by law." Now I ponder how this might be enforced on people the government may or may not know exist? But I shall not test the magicians lurking in the U.S. government.

This Pen is Expensive. Hee hee.

Today: As much as I love to tip, tip, tap, tap on the keyboard, my true love lies with a fine writing pen. I develop a bond with my fine writing pens…watching them like a new mother when someone borrows. Yet somehow I lost one today. Who would have guessed, “Harold’s Roofing” would have ever given such remarkable writing devices? Never judge. I do not know Harold. Maybe I have seen one of his roofs.

When My Door Slams, A Window Breaks

March Madness - The time of year we celebrate gambling. Ahhh, I love America with every single lickin' piece of my being. I do.

I am a terrible gambler. Terrible. Well, maybe. Or maybe it is I have been gambling against really, really good gamblers all my life. The young tricksters with those tricks up their sleeves. Maybe. To test this theory I decided to join (well create and enforce) a college basketball pool at the retirement community near where I live. No one seemed really keen on giving up 5 bucks, filling out brackets, nor sitting and watching game after game with me, but I kept on after them until I found 8 participants. Give or take.

So far I am in second place, and I think Mabel is really starting to hate me.

Made It Through The Ides In Stride...

I would like to be assssssssssssssss random as possible today. Since I have left you friends hanging for some few days. I shall let you know one of my favorite things in life – for other people to do.

I love it when someone spells a word for me and gives each letter an “as in…”. For example I was speaking to Thomas today whose email was, “ ‘T’as in Train, ‘H’ as in Hammer, ‘O’ as in Octopus, ‘M’ as in Monogamist, ‘A’ as in Antsy, and ‘S’ as in Syrup, 4567 at gmail.com”

I would seriously like to do a study regarding people’s spelling letter/words that pop in their heads and see if there is a deeper meaning to the moment. For instance when Thomas said his ‘M’ to me.

Filing A Complaint

This “Spring Forwarding” is doing anything but putting a spring in my step. What on earth? As each cell on my body is replaced by a more mature, homely looking cell, I come to realize despite how many tricks we humans play with time, none seem to be in my favor. Boy, am I whining today or what? Hmmm…good chance there is a “yes” to that question.

Any-who. This time change…it may be making my days longer, but at what cost?! I know, I know – it is only an hour; I will get it back in the fall. I always do. But believe me when you read these grumpily written words…For 6 months solid (or whatever the time frame is between clock changes) my insides will long for that hour back.

Heavy stuff, huh? Less sleep apparently makes me deep, so get used to it until the fall I guess.

Pete and Repeat Were On A Boat...Pete Fell Out

What a lucky, lucky day! I am getting a carbon monoxide detector for my dwelling free of cost. Well, sort of. More like included in my overpriced monthly rent, but let me have this one please.

The story gets even better! I was so appreciative on this Saturday morning to have the carbon monoxide detector news come as a 7:30 wake up call. How rare.

I asked the fellow on the other end of the line, "If the detector came with food or if I needed to go out and buy any?" He didn't seem to understand the very logical question. I asked again, "I said do I need to get any food for it? You did say it is a carbon monoxide detector, right?" He confirmed it was a detector, but it would not require food. Even better!

"Wow," I said, "A canary that doesn't eat. What will they think of next?" After a long pause he said he would see me at 1pm.

Spunky Bumper Sticker of the Day - "My Dog Has Class"

I don't really understand Girl Scout cookies. A woman I work with recently has been selling them for $7.00 a box. She also heavily pushes Mary Kay products. I am very unsure of her Girl Scout heritage, due to the fact she has no children nor is a child, nor claims to know any.

Anyway, I admit I have gained 11 pounds in 5 days due to the cookie intake. Her sales tactics have worked on Hubert! I made this discovery this morning, and said, "Nooooo" to the scale. Stepped off, then back on and said, "Nooooo" again. Then once more. I would say it is a broken lying slab of scalery, but coincidentally I found my favorite pair of work pants begging for the professional day's setting sun so they could unpeel themselves off my now, portly body. (dare you to try to read that sentence aloud more than once......linguistics!)

Do I plan to alter any habits to curb any further inflation? Maybe. Thin Mints?

I Knew This Day Would Come

Indecision is often the worst decision. Believe it or not, I have come to live by this. What has helped me hurry up and decide whatever needs to be decided? The almighty quarter. Not kidding. This twenty five cents of sense has led me down paths that would have under quarterless circumstances, taken ages.

Anyway, I can't find one right now, and I can't decide whether I should go ahead and tell you about the pile of peanut shells I am secretly creating under my desk or how I think Carnie Wilson would make a great Oscar host. Too bad.

I Miss Paula

Let's just keep this simple. I am going to use today's post as a confession.

What I ate for dinner:
1. One cup of oatmeal with several heaping spoonfuls of brown sugar and peanut butter
2. One bowl of Cocoa Rice Krispies
3. One cup of chocolate milk as a result of the Cocoa Rice Krispies
4. 1/2 a Kit Kat
5. 1/2 glass of Metamucil

HA-CHOO

I have been home sick today. Don't worry, I will not detail my illnesses to you. No, sir. I will not tell you about the colors of the rainbow I have seen coming from all parts of my body. Nope. I will spare my friends. Instead, I would like to ask a few questions. Apparently I have not been home sick for longer than I thought because I have not even recognized the daytime television. What in the world?

In no particular order (with a bit of awestruck horror)
1. Where is Kathy Lee Gifford? I wanted to hear stories about Frank and Cody. It would have been so soothing on a day like today.
2. Is Rachael Ray a spin-off from a Sesame Street character?
3. Ok - Where the H was Bob Barker, and why was there a man that looked a lot like Drew Carey hosting? Why? The pet population needs controlling!
4. How have I missed out on Spanish television for so long?
5. I think I might have taken a "No Phone Zone Pledge"...(that is not a question but maybe should be)

A Little Diddy...

I was pulled over today. Clearly it was racial profiling. Okay, not clearly - because I have never quite gotten the hang of what that term means. Something to do with getting pulled over and airports. Anyway, I now have a complex regarding my driver's licence photo. Let's take a moment and leave my road side situation, and go back in time to the lovely DMV when I had that photo taken. I went to great lengths that day to prepare for the photo. Brushed teeth, hair, no lint on the shirt, etc. Practiced my smile. And I have indeed been proud of that preparation. The photo is a little gem. Or so I have thought until today, when the officer looked at it, laughed and laughed...laughed some more. Then let me go. That has to be some sort of profiling. Has to be.

Dusting Is A Satisfying Chore

Have you ever made a self discovery that was so, well, the closest word I can bring down from my brain is - startling. I had such a moment about ten minutes ago.

As I was putting away my dishes from the dishwasher, I realized I had washed a plastic fork from McDonald's. This is not the most disturbing part. I almost put it away with the rest of my silverware. I could turn this into a tree hugging moment and say I just care so much for the environment I can't stand the idea of this little black fork adding to our mountains of mean, selfish waste. And then give you some despicable plastic fork statistic. But no. I will come forth with my admittance that I am so incredibly cheap, I started imagining the forks future in my cutlery.

If You Mouth The Words And Smile, No One Will Know The Difference

I had a duel pleasure today.

1. Public speaking – audience consisted of 25 – 30 of my peers.

2. My speech was videoed – I just watched it.

I have a few takeaways from my own public speaking performance I would like to share:

A. Hand gestures – yes, they are presidential and help engage the audience, BUT flapping like a baby duck desperate to fly after its abandoning mother is not effective and pretty distracting.

B. Speaking slowly – yes, good idea when speaking in front of a group. Speaking like a record (for those among us that remember records) on the wrong speed, again, is distracting and comes across a little weird.

C. Avoiding “Ummmm” by instead saying “Ummunamazing” is no better than “Ummm.” Perhaps worse.

The Print Looked Mighty Fine To The Paper

All the time I hear others complain about “crazy drivers” and how someone else brought out his or her “road rage.” This got me thinking, I never get angry when I drive (but often I hear honking). Hmmm. Out of curiosity, I decided to see if I am the source of any fellow man’s rage, so I have put a “How’s my driving?” bumper sticker on my car complete with my cell phone number. I have had a couple of calls thus far – one telling me I probably shouldn’t be talking on my cell phone and driving. Another was a sweet elderly woman asking if I delivered? I asked what it was exactly she needed delivered, but she didn’t know. So I couldn’t help.

Shazam.

WARNING: The content of the following post may be unsuitable for some readers.








Now that I know you are paying attention - I must tell you about the most unfortunate event that transpired at 3:34am this morning. I broke a long standing vow to myself. A vow!

It all unfolded as follows...Yesterday evening I decided once again I should try to entertain myself with a self induced dining experience. I ended up cooking up the most unsavory chicken, mushroom, and you don't even want to know what else I substituted because I didn't feel like going back to the store of dishes. I will not lie - it was gross. Afterward, I felt a little left of ill, so I had a Tums (just a little extra irrelevant information). Well, at 3:33am, the burnt chicken arose from its ashes inside my belly!

This brings us to my vow. In 2000, Charmin toilet paper introduced the charming Charmin bears (replacing Mr. Whipple), and also in that year I vowed never let myself run out of toilet paper again. I made a second vow in 2004 to always replace the TP into its holder and not just sit it on top. Until 3:34am this morning, that had been by far the most difficult.

dulces sueños

I think I have had a premonition. Yes, I believe in those. Especially when it comes to my dreams. Why dream if you aren't going to let it come true?

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was a proud pregnant little monkey selling turnips from a roadside stand in Mexico. I woke up with same feeling you are most like likely having right now as you read this. Amused, but not quite comfortable.

Now, I often dream I am a little pregnant monkey selling things. (Sometimes I wish I made this stuff up, but I swear on Aunt Grace it is true). But never is this proud pregnant little monkey in Mexico.

Watch Me Pull A Hat Out Of That Rabbit

Dear Hearts and Minds of Friends, today is a two part post.

Part 1.
I cherish my Peanut Butter and Jelly is for Crooks. Cherish. So today I took a leap into the future and made a short list of thoughts I would like to write about in upcoming posts. You know - to keep you OH-SO-INTRIGUED.





Look for these topics in days to come:
1. Bus riding
2. Bike riding
3. Meetings
4. Word of the day
5. Weather
6. Flying
7. Facebook
8. Birthday party
9. Paintings
10. Museums
11. Sick
12. Getting a pet
13. Treadmill
14. Weight gaining poison ivy

Part 2.
Today, I was asked by my supervisor to prepare a list of accounts I plan to work on over the next couple of weeks. Nothing fancy. Just the list. My supervisor knows I love a list. I told him, "I would love to." Anyway, this afternoon I passed him in the hall and he inquired if my list was ready. Indeed it was and I told him it was printed and on my desk. I would get it to him right away. To which he replies, "Oh, I am headed that way. It's on your desk? I will just get it. No prob."

Now, you see list 1 -14 above? I made that with a little spare time I had, typed it up (with no title), printed it and put it on my desk as well.

I will let you decide which one he chose to read and email me about (subject line: "Weight gaining poison ivy?")

Oops.

Everyone - Let's Lower Our Standards All At Once

You know that song, "I Can See Clearly Now (Bright Sunshiny Day)"? Well, until today, I always thought the lyrics were, "I can speak clearly now the rain is gone." I found out from a coworker using the snobby "I-know-way-more-about-music-than-you" tone that it isn't "speak" but "see" clearly. Wow. Who would have guessed?

"Speak clearly now the rain has gone" has always made so much sense to me. I picture someone just thrilled not to have to talk in the rain anymore. If I always was trying to talk in the pouring rain, but then finally it stopped - I definitely would write a song about it. Never put together the title and the first line.

I tried to explain this to my coworker, yet it seemed as if it was raining. Later to cheer him up I sent this link (clink on the word "link")

This brings me to my point. I desperately need new windshield wipers, but only do I remember when it is raining.

American Kitefliers Association

Last night brought what the meteorologists like to call a "snow event" to my region. I decided I should get prepared for the event by doing my version of going to the grocery store, AKA - ordering a pizza. As my Domino's bag boy climbed the stairs to my dwelling, I had a brilliant idea for my entire weekend. It shall be called, "Hubert's AKA Weekend"!

My plans:
1. Have a delightful breakfast - AKA cold pizza and two hot wings
2. Enjoy a warm cup of coffee - AKA a cup of Pepsi that was included in the Domino's coupon
3. Go shopping - AKA browse eBay
4. Take dog on a nice walk - AKA feed dog, pet him and maybe cover him with a blanket
5. Go to a Comedy show - AKA watch local news discuss the weather 4 consecutive hours
6. Make a batch of cookies - AKA look up a cookie recipe and just think, "Oh, I could do that."
7. Go to a hip party - AKA join an online chat group, get freaked out, and never revisit again

A Third Wheel? Or A Spare Tire? Depends On Where You Sit.

Work Place Valentine's Eve - It's a special night. Full of anticipation on what fragrances and boxed chocolates tomorrow may bring. I am so giddy! As usual I have sent myself a gift. I have certainly come a long way since that single carnation two years ago. Tomorrow, I am sending...wait for it...a singing telegram! How awesome is that? I almost sent one for my birthday this year but I forgot. So move over receptionist's roses, here comes Hubert's Singing Gorilla.

The best part? I was able to write what Go-Go (the singing Gorilla) will sing. I thought about having him just sing "The Way We Were" but then knew it might make me cry, so instead I wrote this instructed to sing to the tune of "The Way We Were" -

Mmm. Mmm. Huuuuubert, light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor Huuuubert of the way we were. Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
smiles we give to one another
for the way we were.
Can it be that it was all so simple then Hubert
or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we? Could we?
Huuuubert, may be beautiful and yet
what's too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter we will remember
whenever we remember
the way we were Hubert.

Pretty clever, huh?

Bear With Me.............

Now bear with me. I like that phrase. Also, my high degree of self awareness tells me it may apply a couple of times throughout this posting. Totally indulgent. Now bear with me.

I think I have a new person to love. A neighbor. I have been thinking I should work on developing a deep and meaningful friendship with this person. A sort of - "don't-even-worry-about-knocking-and-help-yourself-to-the-cup-of-sugar-you-can-always-borrow-and-don't-feel-obliged-to-share-what-you-are-cooking-because-we-are-such-good-friends-we-don't-always-have-to-share" kind of relationship. The only problem is I have no idea what this person even looks like. Now bear with me.

What I do know (and deeply admire) - is he/she eats up to ten packages of Nabisco Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies a week. How the H do I know this? Now bear with me. Tuesday is trash day. I walk by this awesome, bold person's house every morning for my dog's morning defecation. He/she - EVERY TUESDAY has a CLEAR trash bag (in no trash can...just a bag on the curb) ready for pickup with items I have not inspected, as well as 7 - 10 empty packages of Nabisco Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies. Every week. Thus, not only does he/she eat over 14o cookies a week, he/she wants the world to know.

Looking for the definition of Hubert's new best friend - refer to sentence above.

Thank you for bearing.