The Road Goes On Forever - And The Party? Well, It Never Ends.

And after creating a day of anti-ci-pation...Let's cover the "Worsts of 2009"...shall we?

1. January 1, 2009 - Worst bowl of black eyed peas ever. Fruitless. Simply fruitless.
2. April 15, 2009 - Worst day to decide to buy novelty Frank Sinatra stamps at the post office
3. February 9, 2009 - Worst joke told to my boss of the year. Did not appreciate my humor about how little I work.
4. August 30, 2009 - Worst realization that the Cathy comic strip was no longer in the Sunday paper. Who knew?
5. December 4, 2009 - Worst case of bad breath.
6. April 1, 2009 - Worst day that may or may not have happened.
7. July 23, 2009 - Worst discovery of a dark stain on my white pants. I did not poop!
8. December 31, 2009 - Worst realization of the year - that my "Worst" list could possibly go on for way longer than the "Best of 2009" list.

Don't Count Your Chickens Until They Scream

As a semipro blogger, I feel it my duty to join the media masses and make a "Best Of 2009" and "Worst Of 2009" post(s)

Today is...Bests...
1. June 1, 2009 - Best bowl of Frosted Flakes of the year. Fresh box, fresh milk, flakes not too crispy and not too soggy.
2. January 14, 2009 - Best laugh of the year. I am terrible at retelling jokes, but it had to do with a chicken and was absolutely hilarious. My neighbor told me, and I laughed for three minutes straight.
3. April 1, 2009 - Best day of the year that might not have really happened.
4. July 4, 2009 - Best decision of the year. I went with the burger instead of the chicken.
5. November 24, 2009 - Best Jeopardy of the year. That prick Alex slipped and said "shituation" instead of "situation."
6. December 28, 2009 - Best hair day of the year. Thought the year might be a flop, but it wasn't!

The More The Merrier

I have been thinking of new activities to help me hop, skip and jump into this new year 2-0-1-0. Since cooking is out, another idea I think I shall try is becoming a LIFE COACH. I have always wanted to have a whistle around my neck. And since my high fiving has improved, why not?

As for my team name, I have been playing with a few. It has come down to either, team "Life Rocks" or "Rock Life." As for the players...anyone that joins my team should know up front every single team I have ever been a part of, and I mean EVERY has been sub par. Not that I don't like to win...but my experience in losing fits the LIFE part of this coaching quite perfectly.

Now, I know what you are thinking, "Is it possible for Hubert Bringer's team to win anything?" Ohhh, we all know that answer - as long as every one's trophy is cool, does it really matter?

You Might Need A Flashlight To Always Look On The Bright Side

Let's knot our hair today, turn around to the two days we just let go, and rehash...because I know you are dying to know if Santa was...as they say (and it always makes me feel a little sick when said), "Good to me?" Ick.

Before I do...isn't Christmas relaxing? I am thinking since Christmas was so relaxing, I should turn my nerves back up a notch and go to the mall and return something...without the receipt...that was purchased online. Not that I received anything I want to return. Only maybe my three in one coffee maker, cappuccino, espresso machine. Who knew? I really wanted them separate.

Now, "Was Santa good to me?" (again, ick). Answer: Hell yes.

It's Okay To Think Elves Are Creepy

Got it - I made a decision (kids...what's Decision's worst enemy? Yes, INDECISION!)...anyway, I made a decision to put down the undersized remote tonight and share a little spirit with some one-on-one caroling. Considering I am absolutely, indefinitely alone in this world, I realize going house-to-house caroling without accompaniment might seem a little unusual...not to mention I am not sure how well my voice carries. Thus, I am going to hit up a few one bedroom apartments. Seeing as I live in an area of endless one bedrooms, I think finding a few, single ears will not be a hard task. REEEAALLLY keeping my eye out for dwellings that house cab drivers. Not to worry, I do have a Miss Piggy doll (puppet) that I shall have with me just in case more than one person shows to the door. Glorious!

Forget Gingerbread - I Want a Fruit Cake House

I was told today I need to remember the “true meaning of Christmas.” She did not seem to like it when I asked what that meant. The true meaning? – Not the untrue meaning. Is there even such a thing? (feathers R-U-F-F-L-E-D) And I must remember? Remember I forgot there is a true meaning and to forget the untrue meaning – even though somehow that has a meaning, too.

Whew. What an assignment – right before Christmas.

Attention Thee That Ho's in 3's

Dear Santa,

Here is what I want for Christmas:

1) From Barbra Streisand's Official Store -- Embroidered Sweatshirt (BST99366)
"Make a subtle statement with this heavyweight hooded sweatshirt, which is beautifully embroidered with Barbra's 'Timeless' tour logo."
2) Mark McClure's Ruthless Entrepreneur 5 Hour Course (5 Disc Set)"Give me 7 days and I will make you a superstar entrepreneur!"
3) Espresso machine
4) Cappuccino machine
5) New coffee maker
6) Giant remote control
7) Glimpse into the future
8) A sweater with snowflakes on it

Sir, make it happen.

Best,

Hubert

Stockings and Candy - What a Combo.

Nothing says "I almost know you" like a Christmas gift basket. The cellophane wrapping a joyous collage. By itself - the pralines are dandy, but together with an apple, strange crackers and chocolate propped on a bed of straw...it comes together like a magician's fly.

I really want one this year. The odds of someone almost knowing me and sending one are looking slim, so I am thinking I might send one to myself. I have sent Christmas gift baskets before...let's just say, the recipients were confused because somehow I managed to switch the addresses and what you have in you boss's basket vs. the basket for your new alcoholic, sex crazed friend are not going to be the same.

Takes One To Snow One

I was approached by a coworker today who said, “I am organizing a cookie swap. Would you like to participate? You will have to bring 72 cookies.” Hmmm, 72. I couldn’t help but ask her, “Now, what happens to a swapper who brings 71?...or what if one breaks? Or even if somehow the dough wasn’t portioned just right, and someone ends up with 74?” Sometimes I don’t understand why my innocent questions get such daggery glares in return…and boy did I get one. Geez. So I decided it would be too much pressure to make 72 and told her I would let her know later (the work world’s “no”).

BUT if I were to bring 72 cookies to swap. I would surely bring fortune cookies.

Life Doesn't Get Much Better Than Michael Bolton During The Holidays

Would it be creepy if I wanted to sit on Santa’s lap? Seriously. I accidentally found myself inside a shopping mall today, and while there I eyed a Santa plopping children on his lap. It also appeared he listened to them, agreed to their request, smiled for a photo and then sent them on their way with a candy cane. I never really loved doing that whole routine when it was age appropriate, but now I find myself – in this holiday season – craving a crappy, broken candy cane and a Polaroid of myself looking (depending on the angle of the one looking at the photo) either full of glee or full of sheer terror. Or maybe most of all, I want to breathily whisper a wish, into some strange man’s ear who may or may not have passed the fourth grade.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe - You Realize Your Password Was Way Too Obvious

I know, I know...I left you hanging during the scariest time of year. Never fear, my typing skills have been reunited with my keyboard, which has been reunited with my hard drive, which has been reunited with the "Internet" and now my loving friends...you and I touch each other's synapses...one click of a brain cell at a time. POW!

Where hath Hubbie been? Easy for me to say because I was there. It is a long story that in actuality is probably average story length. Seeing it is Christmas time, I decided this year I would buy my parents a gift. And what says "I know I haven't bought you a gift in 7 years, so I am making up for it with this one...big time" like a puppy? I mean...what do people, especially those whose children have grown and flown, need and love more than a surprise pet?! I considered a cat, but thought a cat is way too self sufficient, and I think my parents really need to feel needed.

Thus, the story slowly unfolds. I have spent most of my spare time lately in illegal puppy mills and animal shelters. I just can't decide what direction my splitting road shall take? A abused pit bull for them to nurture, or a slightly pure bread Chihuahua?

Talk The Talk - But Watch Your Step

It’s a Friday. This week definitely decided to sit on my lap and beg for random, discontinued Hershey’s candies. Nonstop. Barnone. Tastetations. Even Chocolate Milk Mix. Uggh.

To pay respect to this whiny/heavy week I shall list what I will not do this weekend:

1. Buy much needed shoes – holes in soles, it will be

2. Cook fettuccine Alfredo – I think it, like my week, is too heavy and I must confess – gross.

3. Watch a single second of a nature show.

4. Cry because I cut an onion.

5. Move more than absolutely necessary = exercise

6. Talk more than absolutely necessary = converse

I Realized My Potential Was On The Ground

Please forgive my absence...you ADORING fans! I fell into a coma I shall tell you about later.

List time!

Things (mostly edible) I would pay $12 for right now…at this moment in time…that may or may not be worth $12:

1. Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza – Pepperoni

2. 1 Episode of Cheers (with Dianne, of course); immediately followed by an episode of Saved By the Bell (11^th Grade).

3. A bowl of homemade tapioca pudding – yep, $12

4. To never have to watch the 1800’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special ever again. It will be more of an investment in myself.

5. For someone to walk up to me and tell me my hair looks good today. And mean it.