Dusting Is A Satisfying Chore

Have you ever made a self discovery that was so, well, the closest word I can bring down from my brain is - startling. I had such a moment about ten minutes ago.

As I was putting away my dishes from the dishwasher, I realized I had washed a plastic fork from McDonald's. This is not the most disturbing part. I almost put it away with the rest of my silverware. I could turn this into a tree hugging moment and say I just care so much for the environment I can't stand the idea of this little black fork adding to our mountains of mean, selfish waste. And then give you some despicable plastic fork statistic. But no. I will come forth with my admittance that I am so incredibly cheap, I started imagining the forks future in my cutlery.

If You Mouth The Words And Smile, No One Will Know The Difference

I had a duel pleasure today.

1. Public speaking – audience consisted of 25 – 30 of my peers.

2. My speech was videoed – I just watched it.

I have a few takeaways from my own public speaking performance I would like to share:

A. Hand gestures – yes, they are presidential and help engage the audience, BUT flapping like a baby duck desperate to fly after its abandoning mother is not effective and pretty distracting.

B. Speaking slowly – yes, good idea when speaking in front of a group. Speaking like a record (for those among us that remember records) on the wrong speed, again, is distracting and comes across a little weird.

C. Avoiding “Ummmm” by instead saying “Ummunamazing” is no better than “Ummm.” Perhaps worse.

The Print Looked Mighty Fine To The Paper

All the time I hear others complain about “crazy drivers” and how someone else brought out his or her “road rage.” This got me thinking, I never get angry when I drive (but often I hear honking). Hmmm. Out of curiosity, I decided to see if I am the source of any fellow man’s rage, so I have put a “How’s my driving?” bumper sticker on my car complete with my cell phone number. I have had a couple of calls thus far – one telling me I probably shouldn’t be talking on my cell phone and driving. Another was a sweet elderly woman asking if I delivered? I asked what it was exactly she needed delivered, but she didn’t know. So I couldn’t help.

Shazam.

WARNING: The content of the following post may be unsuitable for some readers.








Now that I know you are paying attention - I must tell you about the most unfortunate event that transpired at 3:34am this morning. I broke a long standing vow to myself. A vow!

It all unfolded as follows...Yesterday evening I decided once again I should try to entertain myself with a self induced dining experience. I ended up cooking up the most unsavory chicken, mushroom, and you don't even want to know what else I substituted because I didn't feel like going back to the store of dishes. I will not lie - it was gross. Afterward, I felt a little left of ill, so I had a Tums (just a little extra irrelevant information). Well, at 3:33am, the burnt chicken arose from its ashes inside my belly!

This brings us to my vow. In 2000, Charmin toilet paper introduced the charming Charmin bears (replacing Mr. Whipple), and also in that year I vowed never let myself run out of toilet paper again. I made a second vow in 2004 to always replace the TP into its holder and not just sit it on top. Until 3:34am this morning, that had been by far the most difficult.

dulces sueños

I think I have had a premonition. Yes, I believe in those. Especially when it comes to my dreams. Why dream if you aren't going to let it come true?

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was a proud pregnant little monkey selling turnips from a roadside stand in Mexico. I woke up with same feeling you are most like likely having right now as you read this. Amused, but not quite comfortable.

Now, I often dream I am a little pregnant monkey selling things. (Sometimes I wish I made this stuff up, but I swear on Aunt Grace it is true). But never is this proud pregnant little monkey in Mexico.

Watch Me Pull A Hat Out Of That Rabbit

Dear Hearts and Minds of Friends, today is a two part post.

Part 1.
I cherish my Peanut Butter and Jelly is for Crooks. Cherish. So today I took a leap into the future and made a short list of thoughts I would like to write about in upcoming posts. You know - to keep you OH-SO-INTRIGUED.





Look for these topics in days to come:
1. Bus riding
2. Bike riding
3. Meetings
4. Word of the day
5. Weather
6. Flying
7. Facebook
8. Birthday party
9. Paintings
10. Museums
11. Sick
12. Getting a pet
13. Treadmill
14. Weight gaining poison ivy

Part 2.
Today, I was asked by my supervisor to prepare a list of accounts I plan to work on over the next couple of weeks. Nothing fancy. Just the list. My supervisor knows I love a list. I told him, "I would love to." Anyway, this afternoon I passed him in the hall and he inquired if my list was ready. Indeed it was and I told him it was printed and on my desk. I would get it to him right away. To which he replies, "Oh, I am headed that way. It's on your desk? I will just get it. No prob."

Now, you see list 1 -14 above? I made that with a little spare time I had, typed it up (with no title), printed it and put it on my desk as well.

I will let you decide which one he chose to read and email me about (subject line: "Weight gaining poison ivy?")

Oops.

Everyone - Let's Lower Our Standards All At Once

You know that song, "I Can See Clearly Now (Bright Sunshiny Day)"? Well, until today, I always thought the lyrics were, "I can speak clearly now the rain is gone." I found out from a coworker using the snobby "I-know-way-more-about-music-than-you" tone that it isn't "speak" but "see" clearly. Wow. Who would have guessed?

"Speak clearly now the rain has gone" has always made so much sense to me. I picture someone just thrilled not to have to talk in the rain anymore. If I always was trying to talk in the pouring rain, but then finally it stopped - I definitely would write a song about it. Never put together the title and the first line.

I tried to explain this to my coworker, yet it seemed as if it was raining. Later to cheer him up I sent this link (clink on the word "link")

This brings me to my point. I desperately need new windshield wipers, but only do I remember when it is raining.

American Kitefliers Association

Last night brought what the meteorologists like to call a "snow event" to my region. I decided I should get prepared for the event by doing my version of going to the grocery store, AKA - ordering a pizza. As my Domino's bag boy climbed the stairs to my dwelling, I had a brilliant idea for my entire weekend. It shall be called, "Hubert's AKA Weekend"!

My plans:
1. Have a delightful breakfast - AKA cold pizza and two hot wings
2. Enjoy a warm cup of coffee - AKA a cup of Pepsi that was included in the Domino's coupon
3. Go shopping - AKA browse eBay
4. Take dog on a nice walk - AKA feed dog, pet him and maybe cover him with a blanket
5. Go to a Comedy show - AKA watch local news discuss the weather 4 consecutive hours
6. Make a batch of cookies - AKA look up a cookie recipe and just think, "Oh, I could do that."
7. Go to a hip party - AKA join an online chat group, get freaked out, and never revisit again

A Third Wheel? Or A Spare Tire? Depends On Where You Sit.

Work Place Valentine's Eve - It's a special night. Full of anticipation on what fragrances and boxed chocolates tomorrow may bring. I am so giddy! As usual I have sent myself a gift. I have certainly come a long way since that single carnation two years ago. Tomorrow, I am sending...wait for it...a singing telegram! How awesome is that? I almost sent one for my birthday this year but I forgot. So move over receptionist's roses, here comes Hubert's Singing Gorilla.

The best part? I was able to write what Go-Go (the singing Gorilla) will sing. I thought about having him just sing "The Way We Were" but then knew it might make me cry, so instead I wrote this instructed to sing to the tune of "The Way We Were" -

Mmm. Mmm. Huuuuubert, light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor Huuuubert of the way we were. Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
smiles we give to one another
for the way we were.
Can it be that it was all so simple then Hubert
or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we? Could we?
Huuuubert, may be beautiful and yet
what's too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter we will remember
whenever we remember
the way we were Hubert.

Pretty clever, huh?

Bear With Me.............

Now bear with me. I like that phrase. Also, my high degree of self awareness tells me it may apply a couple of times throughout this posting. Totally indulgent. Now bear with me.

I think I have a new person to love. A neighbor. I have been thinking I should work on developing a deep and meaningful friendship with this person. A sort of - "don't-even-worry-about-knocking-and-help-yourself-to-the-cup-of-sugar-you-can-always-borrow-and-don't-feel-obliged-to-share-what-you-are-cooking-because-we-are-such-good-friends-we-don't-always-have-to-share" kind of relationship. The only problem is I have no idea what this person even looks like. Now bear with me.

What I do know (and deeply admire) - is he/she eats up to ten packages of Nabisco Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies a week. How the H do I know this? Now bear with me. Tuesday is trash day. I walk by this awesome, bold person's house every morning for my dog's morning defecation. He/she - EVERY TUESDAY has a CLEAR trash bag (in no trash can...just a bag on the curb) ready for pickup with items I have not inspected, as well as 7 - 10 empty packages of Nabisco Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies. Every week. Thus, not only does he/she eat over 14o cookies a week, he/she wants the world to know.

Looking for the definition of Hubert's new best friend - refer to sentence above.

Thank you for bearing.

I Believe In The 10 Second Rule. No Exceptions.

I think I should write an edgy, on the brink post today! Really hit on a current event. So in that light - how about that SUPERBOWL? Wow. Now, if I am honest, I will tell you I Rip Van Winkled the entire second half, and it wasn't until about 8:30 this morning when I found out the winner. But who's really noticing those details?

On the radio today, there was an interview with a woman from the New Orleans area (for those of you like me, it was the New Orleans Saints that won) who said these words, "This is the best thing that has ever happened to the state of Louisiana." I couldn't help but sit on those words all the way till this moment. I mean, EVER?

So I want to do a counter blanket statement back to the airwaves via the world wide web and say, "No lady, this is the best thing that ever happened to Louisiana." Please click here (click on underlined word, please.....and watch it ALL).

A Mountain Of Paper Work? Be Sure To Recycle.

I am thinking I should buy a pot of potpourri. Or make a pot? How does that work anyway? I have two solid reasons for my pot of potpourri.

One - I enjoy typing that word immensely, and am totally in love with the fact I can spell it. Seriously, first try. No spell check needed. I needed help with "immensely" but for "potpourri"...no problem. Potpourri. Potpourri. Potpourri. Potpourri. Potpourri. Ok, now I am just showing off.

Two - It is a category I often do very well in Alex's Jeopardy.

Oh, well, I guess there are three reasons. Number three being there is a smell that seems to be permeating my home. Before you begin judging and sentencing me...I have taken all adult measures to find the source of this mystery odor. Not my dog. Not my pooper. Not my refrig. Not my sheets. Thus, I give up.

Potpourri.

Crumbling Cookys Are All Around

Friends - You may hold a degree of disappointment in the actions I took today. Call it weakness, call it intimidation, call it a moment of aspiration...but I bought a Coupon Book (Q-pon). You know, one of those full of "buy one, get one"s for area restaurants, dry cleaners, dog groomers. I supported a local school. Or so my coworker and her evil glare said so. Congratulations - children of tomorrow. I support you.

I have strategically put this book (and I mean it is a book) beside my Cook Book. Safe keeping. I believe I shall have a contest on who gets used the least. Ready, set..........no go.

Blink Once For "Yes"...Twice For "Maybe"

Now - I am not how the afterlife works (duh), but if there is an option for reincarnation for yours truly, I hath made my decision - I will return to Planet E. as a local news anchor. Think about it. They are magnificent creatures that hold incredible skills. I long to be one of these local celebrities. One moment, with a blank stare, I would tell in grim detail about a murder (and I mean every last detail), and then with a blink of the teleprompter move on with a glistening smile to report how Snookie, the amazing local cat that just quit smoking, won a bird eating contest by the river. How awesome?

More than life itself, do I long to do a verbal hand off to my field reporter, "Now to Tom, who is live on the scene."