A Whole Foot? Nah...just a few toes.

Well friends - there's a snow storm a brewin' in these parts where I dwell. Oh....H yes! Rarely does Hubert get to witness winter's beauty in the form of anything but mild temperatures. Yet, on this day...hip, hip hooray for a biannual delight!

Here is a list of my snow day traditions:
1. While it is snowing, run outside in circles with my tongue out.
2. Wish my mother was around to make snow cream with raw eggs. Ohhh, how I long to go back to the days before salmonella.
3. Throw a snowball - targets? - slow moving ones.
4. Walk to the nearest, grandest, greatest hill in the area. I am talking the monster hill...and think, "What goes down, must go up."
5. See number two again.

Don't Look Ethel!

Today I shall dedicate my words to The Art Of Losing (which isn't hard to master).


As I drove away from the gas station this afternoon, and watched my gas cap roll merrily down the street, I exclaimed an "Awweeee man!"

My gas caps - the streets I have traveled are littered with at least 5 - 10 that have taken flight from the roofs of my various cars. "Awweeeee man!"

I am a very good loser.

Many a minute have I spent frantically tearing apart my dwelling in search of my keys, a matching sock (long gave up on those), the remote, 7 debit cards, glasses of water - even a cantaloupe. Ohhhh, dearest sunglasses. Sometimes I do find. The relief of a find never seems to quite match the angst of the search. Life must go on...loser.

Recently I lost a pair of jeans. (why are they called a "pair" of jeans anyway...makes it seem like I lost two). How does one lose a jean? Dearest world, how?

It Takes Juan to Know Juan

The refrigerator - it tells a story about each and everyone of us. Our hopes. Our dreams. If one were to analyze my refrigerator, and the contents of, they would deduce I must be a crazy scientist...that must travel frequently - spreading my science knowledge regarding what condiments do when they have long past their prime.

Considering there is a census coming up, it is a dream of mine to tag along and politely ask residents if I may peak in their fridge. For the common good. To know more about the state of our blessed Union. Hmmm.

In general, I don't care much about how the famous spend their minutes. Yet, here is a list of a few stars I would LOVE to take a peek inside their ice chests.

And in no particular order:

1. Carnie Wilson - You know that has to be interesting. Just has to.
2. Ricki Lake - Not quite as revealing as Carnie, but close. I would then do a compare/contrast of the two.
3. Bob Ross - If he was alive, of course. Now, you would think his would be predicable...but those often hold the best surprise half-eaten-by-a-spoon cans of frosting!
4. Alex Trebek - I would be lying if I said I didn't care what this Canadian hero had. What if he has American cheese? What if?
5. Ted Turner - I picture a Costco pack of hot dogs - to be eaten raw - at any moment.
6. Shelly Long - You know, from Cheers? Mainly to make her feel less forgotten.

I Put The "Me" In Mediocre

I promise I will stop ranting tomorrow…but in risk of sounding like other blogs…..I had a realization today.

And I am afraid this blog might make me sound…well, a little under the mental weather. To rest your silly little fears, know I am completely with “it”…for whatever the “it” in this world counts for. I think there might be a penny war out there. Poor old Lincoln thought his fighting days were over…and they PULLED HIM BACK IN. What in the world am I talking about? I shall explain.

No one wants a penny anymore. Not for their loafers. Not for a thought. Nothing. They are stupid. Copper morons. So there is a fight to give a penny, give a penny. With this in mind, nothing ever costs an even amount…and for some reason my change always ends up with at least four pennies! I finally realized there was a war today when I ordered my grilled chicken combo meal, which came to $6.16. I paid in all pennies.

Hold On...For One More Day (Things Will Go Your Way)

Now - today's mood is partly sunny, with a hint of drizzle. Thus, let's do a contrast list to yesterday's.

Things I do not like to do, but highly respect and enjoy when others do.

1. Wear a beret and carry a satchel - It is very rare to catch this extraordinary combo...especially in its natural habitat - but when I do! Lordy, Lordy!
2. Tell a joke (dirty, clean, corny, political, elementary) - This feat, I will admit, I try often. Then die a little inside every time afterward. Yet, when someone else tells a joke (dirty, clean, corny, political, elementary, Laffy Taffy) my ears and heart grow a little tingly with aspiration...in hopes that "maybe I can remember this one."
3. Talk businessy - Facts and figures, sir. Numbers. I will never coexist with a pie chart. But for those that do - not to mention "the bottom line" whew...impressive.
4. Order wine at a restaurant - Don't get me wrong - I've tee-tottled my way around a room plenty, but to read a wine list and order with a serious face??? Forget it.

I have a sttttrrronnng feeling this isn't the end of this list.

hootenanny

Hubert's mood today can best be described as a little unsavory. Thus, with this in mind...I shall write a little listy regarding things that bug the H out of me when someone else does it, but are quite A-OK when I do them. It is a little like watching someones hair (coworker, friend, God forbid a stranger) fall from their head into your personal space. Having my own hair dwindle down upon my lap is disheartening, but when it is foreign - the minute it becomes...scratch that...the instant it becomes detached and foreign to all involved, and is just a random, black, long, creepy hair on my lap...uggh. There are no more words for this.

FYI - This list involves my day
1. Popping packaging bubbles - a fun activity, even the youngest among us can enjoy. I love it. Yet, when it is someone else and his or her packaging - I do not enjoy.
2. Doritos breath - Yummy Doritos. I wish I could package my Doritos breath and randomly smell it. But when a living soul gets within a 10ft. radius of me with his or her Doritos breath, I am instantly thrown into a nightmare flashback of a college dorm-room with a monster breather - I am scarred. Get away from me - you heavy, cheesy flavored breathers.
3. The full bodied yawn - I admit, a stretch and loud yawn feel awesome. Mainly in private. When someone else yawns...especially when the clock has past 9am - every cell on my body takes one creepy crawl to the left.

I've Got A New Pair Of Roller Skates...And You've Got A Brand New Key

So I am thinking about creating a signature color for myself. How great would it be when you see a color, for example we will use "green"...anyway, when you see green, you think - "that's Hubert!"?

I have been narrowing down what colors are left for me. And out of this rainbow connection, I have discovered a tiny selection. I am sticking prreeetty primary.

1. Black - Well kids, Johnny Cash pretty much owns that color. That gives me an idea though...I will write a song about my choice. Color choice + Song = Trademark!
2. Purple - Between Grimace and Barney, two vary rotund fellows, I do not want purple. And once again there is a song about "The Purple People Eater"...definitely on to something.
3. Yellow / Orange / Brown / White - all look terrible on me
4. Red - Is definitely in the running. Looks good on me. Only thing is it supposedly raises one's blood pressure. Not sure the science behind it, but I would hate to walk into a room and kill someone.
5. Blue - Also in the running. Just need a good song - that's not too bluesy (did someone spot a corny joke???!)
6. Pink - Red + White --- Dynamite.

Check Back Soon!!!!!

No Sir, It's Not A Funny Farm - The Animals Are Quite Somber

WHAT A DAY -

6:04am - Wake up to the world's ever present rotation

10:16am - While on my way to my car to get a deluxe breakfast from McDonald's, my 78-year-old neighbor Besse stopped me to tell me a cat story. Apparently, Cockatoo (that's the cat's name) had enjoyed some of her breakfast this morning. She had bran flakes, and she explained she doesn't love the brand she bought, but they were on special, plus she had a coupon thus couldn't resist. And when she got up to fix her coffee - even though she never usually pours her cereal before fixing her coffee, she decided to this morning...Cockatoo took the opportunity to jump onto the table and have a lap lap of milk. ----- Now, friends - don't get me wrong, I usually enjoy these very detailed stories of Cockatoo, but I had a 10:30 McDonald's breakfast deadline on my hands...so this morning, I just wasn't into it as much as usual.

10:31am - Decided to dine inside the McDonald's. Why not? Very pleasurable.

Wait - I just realized that is all that happened today.

Hmmmm....

Life Is Slower With Only Two Working AA Batteries In The House - Lots of Transitions

YES! I made the cut! Next week I begin my very first medical trial! The drug for...well, they won't tell me exactly...didn't kill mice or dogs, so it made it to testing on humans. Very exciting news. I have always wanted to do one of these, so when the drug commercials come on TV and they start listing all the side effects...I can think "Oh yeah, that was me." Or even better - can anyone say - placebo? Who doesn't love a mind game?

To guarantee my peace of mind, they sent information regarding a mouse and dog they tested the drug on. So here is what they sent me yesterday, via email, along with the contract to fax back.

The Real You? How You Drive While Alone.

For fears of making your hearts bland...I shall remind you of the true loves I have:

1. What do the International House Of Pancakes plus Hubert equal? True love.
2. Barbra Streisand's CD/tape cassette blasting - plus Hubert's daily commute - True love.
3. Tia Chi and Hubert longing to understand the appeal - May or may not be love.
4. A cold orange, from the refrigerator on a January morning - LOVE it
5. Home and Gardens show at the fairgrounds followed by the Gun and Knife Show the following weekend at the exact location - Pitter patter
5. The discovery of that it was a tiny rock in my shoe - not a planters wart? Love

My friends...I love most of you most of the time, too.

If Life Gives You A Rotten Tomato - Throw It At A Bad Actor

I took initiative! I have planned a "Go Fish" tournament for my neighbors. I made flyers and just put one up on every door on the block. Even Ms. Goldenport's. I just can't wait. I just know it will be a hit. How could it not? Here is the flyer:

His Success Rate Was Not Nearly As Good As His Mortgage Rate

Now then, predictability isn't always a bad thing - just ask your local fortune teller - thus, I have decided to write a post that you should have guessed would be coming, then rethought, "That's too obvious." BAM!

It's a new year, so I am thinking about starting an exercise routine. An exorcism if you will. As Thomas Jefferson once said, "To exercise is often beneficial - when done properly." So I am taking those motivating words to heart, and putting on my headband and thinking about getting motivated. It's just I need to find an activity I will stick with...if you are observant, you will have noticed commitments and I don't do well in court together.

I am really, really thinking I might do something like this:
EXERCISE (be sure to click on that word "EXERCISE" to the left of these words...it takes you to a video)

Socks Don't Always Have To Match To Make A Great Pair

It is a new year. With a new year comes the ancient Chinese way - resolutions. I have thought quite hard on this year's resolutions. There shall be only two. I have wised up to over promising and under delivering. Emmmbbbaaarrraaasssiiinng.

My 2010 resolutions are:
1. To change my air filter every three months as requested by society. Clean air in a home is a great start to every morning.

2. I shall take out my trash when the trashcan is full - not overflowing denial. No more will I stick my hand into my trashcan and touch remnants of pizza crust and unpaid bills. No more! Nor will my denial that "Ohhh, I can make it a little longer if I stick my foot in" continue. I will fully accept the size of my trashcan is a little too small for the standard trash bag. It's okay. It's okay to have a little extra room at the top of my trash bag when I remove it from the can. In 2010, I will not see that extra room at the top as wasted space, but as a guarantee everything will make it to the curb. Together. It is how it is meant to be for the city to carry away...in its fancy truck...forever.