Day Light Savings! Buy One Day - Get an Hour Free!

I think my kid to candy ratio might be off this year. I forgot I moved to a neighborhood that likes to breed, while I was purchasing the Tootsies at the store yesterday. So I think I should work on a few of my favorite tricks before the evening arrives. Maybe brush up on the, "Is this your card?" and maybe the classic, "I've got your nose!" I know I could go and get more Tootsies, but aren't the options "trick" or "treat"? Children need to learn the value of being kept on their toes.

Either way, my porch light must stay lit.

Listen! It Sounds Like a Plan

Not good, not good, not good! Of all the attributes I ever possessed good judgment and class have probably been the two I could flaunt with ease. No more! But is ignorance bad judgment? I thought it was bliss. Today was my company’s annual Halloween costume contest. I, of course, chose to dress up as the 1997 Barbra Streisand. I had no idea the clay nose I made apparently looked like, ummm, well, not a nose. Let’s just leave it at that. But I don’t know which is worse…my colleagues not recognizing my Barbra Streisand costume or them thinking I was Barbra Streisand with a man part nose, OR just thinking I knew I was dressed as a fancy woman with a man part nose!

I May Think I'm Too Cool For the Bus, But My Lawyer Doesn't

Today - friends, Romans, countrymen - lend me not your boredom, but your curiosity because despite all the giant "Who cares?" signs we post on our foreheads...we all still want to see what each other looks like beside a triple waterfall! I mean, duh. So, dear avid readers, I will give you a b-r-e-a-k from all the nonsense, and let you get a glimpse of my glorious figure!

In photo (left to right): Hubert Bringer, Todd Seldom

Make a Long Story Short - Cut Out the Middle Man

Ahhhh…the big but(t)s that surround us daily. That put halts in our slippery steps. I have been thinking of what to do about some of the big but(t)s in my life, and I think I am onto something…something resembling a bike, with a tiny seat, on a narrow road, moving quickly past the behind that all but(s) bring.

The biggest but(t)s in my life, in no particular order, or real reason to list them:

1. But why? ---

2. But MOMMMMMM! …not really applicable to me…at all, but I think about it at random moments when I want my way

3. I can’t believe it’s not BUTTER --- I, like the rest of America, just need to let this one go…just let it go

4. But out --- there’s always a nicer way to say this phrase…always

5. My overuse of the word “button,” such as “cute as a button,” or “great, there goes another button.”

A Mountain's Potential Is Measured By The Determination Of a Mole

I am thinking of getting a car alarm installed. Not that my car has much to alarm me about. More due to the fact I am really into finding ways to make noise, and then with a push of a button – SILENCE! Oh, how I have started longing to suddenly stop a conversation, tilt my head slightly to the left, while looking intently to the ground, and then say, “Hold on, I think I hear my car alarm. Please let me go check.” That my friends, is how you get respect.

I Got To the Bottom Of IT - Only To Find Out IT Came To The Surface

This time of year...makes us all think of one thing: Apple Bobbing. Seriously, doesn't that sound AWESOME right about now?! Your face takes a refreshing dip, as you furiously chomp and bite your way through questionable, spit-ridden water. Sheer exhilaration.

I think tomorrow I will bring in my bobbing supplies to share with my coworkers (colleagues). A good morning to all!

For On-The-Job-Apple-Bobbing --- Mom's Recipe:
1. 1 Medium size dishpan
2. 4 - 5 Red Delicious apples (I am realistic on participation)
3. Lukewarm Water
4. 1 Towel
5. 1 Disposable camera

If You Take Matters Into Your Own Hands - Use Plenty of Sanitizer

Everyday Business Role Playing --- Ahhhh, agony? Or a thrill?

I took a two day course, and I am not sure what it was about, but I am pretty sure it was about improving role playing skills. I realized I need quite a bit of practice.


Excerpt from today --- Role Play #34, "How to Pretend You Are Handling an Irate Customer":
Instructor: Hubert, why don't you pretend you own a Widget company, and receive a call from an irate customer because his widget arrived in pieces.
Hubert: How else should a "widget" arrive?
Instructor: Assembled
Hubert: Battery included?
Instructor: Widgets don't need batteries...(sigh)...and Paul, you please pretend you are the customer.
Paul: Ring, ring, ring, ring
Hubert: Why are you saying that? I thought you were mad?
Paul: I am pretending the phone is ringing, so answer it.
Hubert: But I thought you were supposed to be the angry customer, not a phone. Can't someone else be the phone?
Instructor: Please just continue.
Hubert: Ok. Thank you for calling my Widget Company, how may I help you?
Paul: Sir, I am calling to complain because the widget I ordered last week arrived in pieces.
Hubert: Oh my, that's terrible! When did you order it?
Paul: I just said that. Last week.
Hubert: Were the batteries included?
Paul: It doesn't need batteries.
Hubert: Well, sir, I assure you I would never sell a widget that doesn't need batteries. That is just stupid.
Paul: But you did, and it is in pieces.
Hubert: Hmmmm...let me see. Now, when did you order it?
Instructor: Ok, that's good enough Hubert.

Enjoy More Surprises - Ignore Fine Print

The zipper: An absolutely amazing contraption. The world of simple mechanics at its best. Even alerts regarding the zipper are simple, “XYZ.” Yet, they can also cause such a world of pain. Physical and emotional. The stuck zipper. The zipper body that’s separated from its home track. Agonizing. Yet, the suffering caused by the discovery of over exposure from neglecting a zipper…now that is just a depth of hurt the pants wearing among the world can feel together. For those of you that both read and remember – you will know I discussed the ability to believe in the “no one noticed.” Oh, but they always notice the down crotch zipper.

The Day the Doornail Came to Life

New game – Friday afternoon ideas for the weekend --- On Sunday, evaluate the weekend vs. ideas.








Ideas:
1. Buy and wear a wig (preferably blond and curly)
2. Have someone guess my weight, while I am wearing wig
3. Revisit weight guesser without wig, and have them re guess
4. Weigh the wig – possibly in the produce department’s scale for accuracy
5. Make a fruit salad – Include canned coconut and marshmallows!

T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y

I would like to define this Thursday by my unprecious discoveries:

a. A ginormous nose dangler – the sort that averts eyes, with the exception of children…and somehow, you know it’s there, or you think you know, but you forget unless you are having a conversation with your supervisor, so you go to the bathroom and wonder, “Dear Lord, how long has that been there?”

b. Unforgiving deo on BOTH sides of my black sweater – the ultimate compare and contrast

c. No one informed me of either

And then the precious discovery:

d. I still retain the power to believe no one noticed a. or b. and therefore am so strangely relieved.

Enjoy a Good Read Regularly

I think I want to try being offensive, or maybe getting easily offended. Or both, and see which fits this crumbling cookie best. Not that I necessarily see either sticking with me like my new style of walking, but what’s wrong with a little shock value? Shock holds its value far better than most inanimate commodities.

Don’t worry – I will not be offensive to you readers. I know the internet is not the correct forum for such an activity. The grocery checkout line on the other hand….

Or it might be better to be easily offended for a while. A little less work. Though I will need to practice my gasping/shocked look.

Enough is Enough

I was just told I need a little more initiative. What the hell? Well, how do you know when enough is enough? These stupid words from the 90’s that love to linger!!!

How do I start adding to what my somewhat qualified, initiating source of a being elegantly referred to as, “somewhat lacking”? I lack.

I just did a little research to: a) actually figure out what initiative is and b) find out where you get it.

It is not looking good my friends. Not good indeed.

Hit the Ground Running Before it Hits You Back

I am finally thinking about getting a cellular telephone (often referred to as mobile devices). I have not really had much of a need for one, since their gale force winds erupted against the cracked windows of my fellow man. My landline has held my communicating together just fine. I like a steady number.

But all these commercials! And mailers! And billboards! And people twirling signs on street corners!!!! Talk about a moth to a flame over here! I am even considering apps. Now, I just need a plan.

Know No Now

Time to mix things up a bit! Make another sort of concoction from the unbaked batter spilling over in my head. I think I shall try to crack this door a little wider, so that you can maybe get to know me a little better...you know - since my letters are tiptoeing over your eyeballs.

Thus, for today I thought I should answer - In what areas does Hubert's excel?

I am taking a shotgun approach to answering this today, and then I might take a Colt 45 (the beer of course) approach later as well.

Top skills include:
1. Noticing new on friends: hairstyles, articles of clothing, teeth whitenings, curtains (in their house), glasses, or other unlisted enhancements/dehancements --- I am still working on when to comment on what, and it proves to be a lifelong challenge.
2. Driving in the right hand lane on the highway
3. Using chopsticks
4. Thumb wrestling
5. Getting the last question right on Jeopardy
6. Spotting 4 leaf clovers --- not so good at finding the luck that accompanies

Sometimes Screaming Works Just As Well

I will be honest. Today I have a pocket full of "nothings" up my sleeve (imagine that shirt). Seriously, I have taken my empty to-do list quite seriously, and have sat quietly - occasionally rethinking the arrangement of my living room furniture. Plus, I heard it might rain.

A list of thoughts that pass through my cross-hairs when I am doing nothing:
1. How absolutely amazing the cereal isle is - think about it.
2. The number of hours, minutes, and seconds left to do nothing - occasionally I have to check the status
3. How it is possible there are so many college football teams
4. What is Bob Barker doing at this exact moment?
5. After imagining the answer to the Bob Barker question, I wonder what Kelly Clarkson is thinking

On this day --- Oct 09, 2000, Barbra appears on the cover of US magazine

I heard there is a secret to getting older. I don’t really get that. How is something even my sub par intelligent dog can do a secret? Wait, wait, I think it is - there is a secret to happiness? Or is it a Secret Service? Secret ingredient, maybe? To success? Why so many secrets?

OK, I think I need a good secret.

Got it – the secret to never having to go number 2 at work.

The Early Worm Might Be a Centipede

I think I am going to start decorating for the holidays as soon as their respective decorations go on sale. Embrace the upcoming, soon-to-be seasons. Give Commercialism’s push the first falling domino for which it so desperately thirsts.

Since I just decided this – I realized I am WAY behind on Halloween. I have been denying myself candy corn and spider rings for weeks now! Not even sure if I have a chance to make Thanksgiving, but I might be just in time for Christmas!

One Day I Will Be Sittin' Round the Fire (talkin bout "hey now")

I am thinking about purchasing a stop watch. Not sure if I want it to be an Olympic trainer necklace version or on the wrist.

Time is important (so I have been told). So I think I need to stop taking it for granted (again, so I have been told) - and be a little more careful with it. Really start measuring precious moments. I could get real satisfaction setting PR's, and knowing my speedier calculation of tips, finding the backslash on the keyboard, or matching my socks (not to mention tying the shoe laces!) is putting fresh, new seconds back into my dwindling earthly existence! Ready, set, go!!! ////////////

My Heart = Location of My Home

Oh jeez...this business trip I am on with my coworkers (colleagues) is slowly painting a picture of how socially awkward I can be; this picture is possibly going to be masterpiece.

Last night I thought it would be a good idea to try and fit in (high five anyone?), so I was nodding my head away while the group of fellows were discussing all the grownup/current event/businessy things - like Steve Jobs, Health care, transatlantic flights, and Delaware. I felt my silence standing in the small crowd growing taller, so I blurted, yes blurted, "I wonder how many copies Barbara Streisand's new CD will sell?" Ugggghhh...oh Hubert. No one but me even knew she had a new CD. So basically, in addition to high fiving, I think I shall work on my knowledge and delivery of "hot topics." PBS - here I come!

Avoid Stepping on Cracks - Save Mothers' Backs

I decided should work on my relationships with coworkers. Colleagues. I think this weekend trip with a few of them will be the perfect place to put into effect a few of the tips I have learned in the book - How To Be Friendly In the Workplace, Come On, You Can Do It - Lighten Up - For Dummies.

One whole chapter is devoted to - duh - the high five. I have been slapping walls for practice. There is another chapter for the fist bump. I have also been punching walls. I hope my hotel neighbors aren't bothered.

Now, if only there were ways to practice when which is appropriate.

Oh, the fear of being left hanging.