A Poem for My Thanksgiving Leftovers

Thanksgiving Leftovers -
I love you.

Turkey sandwich -
I love you, too.

Why, oh why
I ask over and over -
My dearest Leftovers -
Do the TV chefs and Rachel Ray want do weird things to you?
It just looks gross and stupid.

Microwave -
I love you.

I Dare You To Put A Feather In You Cap And Call it "Macaroni"

So I with all these leaves on the ground, I think I am going to turn one over and actually bring a dish to the family's Thanksgiving feast. I know what you are thinking - will the dish contain any food? Well, I am still debating.

I have been threatened, on numerous occasions, that if I didn't contribute to the Thanksgiving feast I would only get to eat the turkey skin. I threatened back - "Ohhh, we'll see about that." That always gets them. Always.

Stay tuned.

He Had A Memory Like The Pink Elephant In The Room

I took a course today on Workplace Safety. It was given by HR (still not clear what HR is; I really was hoping they would cover that).This course included a quiz at the end. One of those quizzes where I was told it didn’t matter how many I missed, but yet I had to turn it in so it could be scored.

I think the low light of the course was during the Tornado section was when I asked her to explain the fetal position. Not that I didn’t know what it was, or that I needed a refresher on how to do it (sorry coworkers), just why “fetal”? So creepy, unsafe sounding. Especially if used with tornado.

Chew On This - But Don't Choke

The Christmas Parade - This year I vow to try and understand the appeal. It mystifies me how newspapers are dying, but yet not dragging the Christmas parades down with them. Ever since I participated in my hometown's parade - as part of the 8th Grade Marching Instrumental Comb Band - the parades scatter my reasoning skills annually. Even camping makes more sense.

Questions I seek to resolve:
1. The waving - I admit it is my favorite part...I don't really have a question about it. Maybe just why can't some of the marching band members wave? I did in my comb band.
2. How is it some Christmas parades are before Thanksgiving parades? Try explaining that one to a child. Or me.
3. Why have I never heard of another parade, ever, with a Marching Instrumental Comb band?
4. And the most important and obvious question...Shouldn't some of the floats serve food? I mean, seriously...it's 2009.

She Was Older Than The Methusala Lab On Slocumb Street

I really, really want to come up with a “Get Rich Quick” scheme that works. I seriously do. Now, I am fully aware there are plenty of souls whose shoes fit my situation…but seriously, I would love a pair of ruby slippers!

Here are a few of the ideas I have been kicking around:

1. Barbra Streisand fan club – by paid membership only! $20 a person.

2. Socks for your hands – see…you wear them under gloves – Brilliant!

3. Four leaf clover finder – not sure how to make this, but who wouldn’t want it???

4. Dictionary for dummies – I have wanted to write one of these for a while. A book explaining the definition of the definitions is bound to sell!

It Was The Slowest Microwave He Ever Used

For some reason, today seems like a good day to diet log!

What Hubert ate on this precious Wednesday:

1. 1 precise serving of Golden Grahams – no milk…at my desk…carefully poured from its tiny box into my hand

2. 3 pieces of banana Laffy Taffy – What do you call a cow with a twitch? BEEF JERKY!

3. 3 pieces of Starburst fruit candy – Orange

4. Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket – including the single cold bite in the middle – one of life’s most unfortunate turn of events…ever.

5. 1 bag of Cheetos – the tiny bag, but yet my fingers still turned orange

6. Dinner – TBD…Yet, after careful assessment of my cupboard, refrigerator, attitude, and motivation…I think it will involve a drive-thru window and no utensils.

The Prayer of the Stick In the Mud - "Dear Lord, A Little More Rain and a Tad More Dirt, Please."

Today our HR department sent the company a web video on: "How to Properly Sneeze and Cough." Before I expand on this video, I would like to make it very clear that I have no idea what "HR" is or does. If I ever sound like I do, I am bluffing.

This video really made me think. All these years...since basically birth, I was completely unaware I was miserably failing at both sneezing and coughing. Miserably. Oh well. The video made no mention regarding addressing when someone else sneezes or coughs. What a cliffhanger!

I have decided to electronically mail HR this question:
When someone properly sneezes, what is the proper response?
a. Skat!
b. ACHOO, you too!
c. Bless you
d.God Bless You!
e. or the awkward silence of Does this person expect me to recognize the fact he just sneezed?

She Acted Like a Chicken With Its Head Cut Off -- Gross.

As you have probably noticed from previous posts...I am a an entrepreneur. Definitely. I always have my eyes and ears facing the wind's opportunity - should one ever wash up. So when I was at the coffee shop near my house and saw a couple that was clearly breaking to pieces...I thought, this poor girl needs an emotional stunt double. I wonder if I should ask her if I could step in right now? Think about it for a moment. Think about all the times you have heard the words, "So we need to talk" (or any sentence involving "talk/should/clean/need/you") and thought..."if only someone else could take my place right now. I would pay at least $50" I think I may be on to something.

Fat Chance is Better Than Skinny Chance...Any Day

Push the envelope. I think I am going to start doing it. I just need to figure out exactly what it means, and then I am all over it. I think it is a good thing...maybe?

Today in a meeting about meetings and charts and graphs, I was called upon for my thoughts: "Hubert, what do you think?" To be honest, I was thinking about whether or not I wanted a canned Dt. Pepsi or a bottled Dt. Coke. I actually wanted a canned Dt. Coke, but we don't have those in the office. I don't get it. Anyway, I knew they probably didn't want to hear about the current debate inside my head, so instead I replied, "Well, Sir, I think the pie chart tells the whole story." To which the Sir says, "Hubert, that's great. I agree. You really know how to push the envelope." I do? It took every fiber of my being to keep from asking what envelope, and was this envelope addressed, and to whom...not to mention if there was a chain letter inside??? Instead, I nodded and said, "Yes, Sir...prrreeetttyyyy much." For the record, that is the first time I have ever uttered that phrase that way. But from what I could tell, it also pushed the envelope.

The Monkey In The Middle Always Means Business

I am thinking of writing a chain letter. Now, I tried this before, and somehow got accused of running a smear campaign...well, against myself. It got back to me. Short chain. This time, I am not going to go the scary route to motivate. Even though fear does get the pot boiling, I don't like its smell. Thus, I am thinking of something cutesy - definitely a kitten and flowers must be incorporated for this one to work.

Top 3 or 4 themes for my chain letter:
1. Send this letter to 7 people you care about within 7 minutes, and you will have the luck of a kitten in a flower bed --- How could you resist?!
2. Send this letter to 7 people in upper management at your company within 7 minutes, and you will find the peace of a orange kitten in flowers, within your cubicle --- Again, another sure thing.
3. Send this letter along with a kitten and flowers to Hubert Bringer --- similar to what I did the last time, so maybe not a good choice.

If We Were All On the Same Page - There Would Be No Need For Books

Here we are friends - another blessed weekend.

Let's list my ideas/should do's/goals for this November weekend, along with the probability of me actually doing them.

Shall we?



1. Eat a sponge cake - 45% chance.
2. Attend my neighbors Rose and Claudia's party - 64% chance. I heard they have killer tea, not to mention beautiful china cups.
3. Start my collection - 2% chance
4. Watch and enjoy Hannah Montana - 94% chance
5. Vacuum - 34%
6. Learn about 2 current events - -3% chance.
7. Think about "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and how it truly is a fascinating film - 100%

Keep a Safe Social Distance

In today's post, I am doing two things I seldom do...or plan on doing. #1, The title actually relates to the post. #2, touching on a current event. I know you have been doodling in your minds the wonderment of why I don't love writing about current events...but avoiding such nasty subjects is the only way I might ever be current. Feel better?

Yet today while reading a poster on the office wall about how to "Avoid the H1N1 Virus" - I took one of HR's carefully calculated bullet points especially to heart. "Stay away from crowds, and keep a safe social distance." Safe social distance? As opposed to those slippery, slopey unsafe social distances? Hmmmm....bear hugs.

In an instant this ham hock virus sign changed my entire outlook on my exact coordinates, and how they related to everyone else. Then it all became eerily clear - maybe I should start living a little more on the dangerous side...

Keep Your Chin Up, Nose Down, and Ears Open

Time to start thinking about a new collection. My other collections are getting bbbbooorrriinnngg. I can't decide which collector's category I should delve into next. I must say, if I could find something to collect that would allow me to use my new magnifying glass to inspect it - that would be dandy.

Ideas:
1. Antiques - just in general. Or maybe a focus on lamps. Or lampshades. Or bulbs. I just secretly long to join in antique discussions..."Oh, my that is indeed very tique"
2. Current movies, books, or video games - I could try and get hip and collect any of these items that have, "Collector's Edition" on the cover!
3. Quarters - Tried and failed to collect coinage many times over - so probably, no.
4. Paper dolls - Does it count as a collection if they are all made by myself, secretly during office meetings, on recycled paper? - How no one notices the sound of scissors, tape and giggling is beyond me.
5. Comic strips - preferably of Cathy

Hanging In There...Better Than Being Dropped In There

Today feels like a day for a list. Indeed. I shall mold this list around the incredible events that made up, what might be called "today."

In any order, but most likely the order I have put them:
1. Best alarm clock in the world - 70lb dog relieving his 70lb bladder on the carpet...while staring right at me.
2. Most practical discovery of the month - I realized the person that has been working two cubicles from me for 3.5 weeks is not named Seven, like I have been calling him...but Steven. Much more common.
3. Best cereal for dinner of the week - Strawberry Frosted Mini-Wheats (not endorsin, just truthin)
4. Worst idea ever - Teen Jeopardy

Be Sure to Keep Your Wishy's Washy

Special moments in time – slivers of life – when you realize you still have the ability to wish. Moments like when you are on the stationary bike at the gym in your office building – on the bike that does not always change levels/gears, but you discovered if you pick it up by the handlebars and drop it really hard then it kicks back in, but that has made for some awkward moments of explaining why you are dropping the bike and #2, how you discovered dropping the bike fixed the problem. These are precious moments on this bike, while having your speed involuntarily fluctuate and watching the gym’s television that surprisingly has satellite reception (what?). You time your bike ride just right, so you can catch the Game Show Network’s afternoon broadcast of Jeopardy reruns (oh, how handsome Alex manages to stay). Then you realize when the two women from your office join in beside you, and are now making too much noise on the elliptical machines for you to hear the Jeopardy answers, the remote is beside the TV. If you get up to turn up the volume, then your workout might time out – much less the bike’s speed might never recover. So you can either just read the questions and forever wonder if you were right, or start listening to these women talk breathlessly about their weekends. You settle for eavesdropping, and then realize that despite their panting descriptions, their weekends were still booorrriiinnggg…you look longingly back to Alex whom is mouthing something arrogantly to the contestants. It is in these special times you realize you wish…wish ever so mightily….that you had go-go gadget arms.