Fat Chance is Better Than Skinny Chance...Any Day

Push the envelope. I think I am going to start doing it. I just need to figure out exactly what it means, and then I am all over it. I think it is a good thing...maybe?

Today in a meeting about meetings and charts and graphs, I was called upon for my thoughts: "Hubert, what do you think?" To be honest, I was thinking about whether or not I wanted a canned Dt. Pepsi or a bottled Dt. Coke. I actually wanted a canned Dt. Coke, but we don't have those in the office. I don't get it. Anyway, I knew they probably didn't want to hear about the current debate inside my head, so instead I replied, "Well, Sir, I think the pie chart tells the whole story." To which the Sir says, "Hubert, that's great. I agree. You really know how to push the envelope." I do? It took every fiber of my being to keep from asking what envelope, and was this envelope addressed, and to whom...not to mention if there was a chain letter inside??? Instead, I nodded and said, "Yes, Sir...prrreeetttyyyy much." For the record, that is the first time I have ever uttered that phrase that way. But from what I could tell, it also pushed the envelope.

The Monkey In The Middle Always Means Business

I am thinking of writing a chain letter. Now, I tried this before, and somehow got accused of running a smear campaign...well, against myself. It got back to me. Short chain. This time, I am not going to go the scary route to motivate. Even though fear does get the pot boiling, I don't like its smell. Thus, I am thinking of something cutesy - definitely a kitten and flowers must be incorporated for this one to work.

Top 3 or 4 themes for my chain letter:
1. Send this letter to 7 people you care about within 7 minutes, and you will have the luck of a kitten in a flower bed --- How could you resist?!
2. Send this letter to 7 people in upper management at your company within 7 minutes, and you will find the peace of a orange kitten in flowers, within your cubicle --- Again, another sure thing.
3. Send this letter along with a kitten and flowers to Hubert Bringer --- similar to what I did the last time, so maybe not a good choice.

If We Were All On the Same Page - There Would Be No Need For Books

Here we are friends - another blessed weekend.

Let's list my ideas/should do's/goals for this November weekend, along with the probability of me actually doing them.

Shall we?



1. Eat a sponge cake - 45% chance.
2. Attend my neighbors Rose and Claudia's party - 64% chance. I heard they have killer tea, not to mention beautiful china cups.
3. Start my collection - 2% chance
4. Watch and enjoy Hannah Montana - 94% chance
5. Vacuum - 34%
6. Learn about 2 current events - -3% chance.
7. Think about "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and how it truly is a fascinating film - 100%

Keep a Safe Social Distance

In today's post, I am doing two things I seldom do...or plan on doing. #1, The title actually relates to the post. #2, touching on a current event. I know you have been doodling in your minds the wonderment of why I don't love writing about current events...but avoiding such nasty subjects is the only way I might ever be current. Feel better?

Yet today while reading a poster on the office wall about how to "Avoid the H1N1 Virus" - I took one of HR's carefully calculated bullet points especially to heart. "Stay away from crowds, and keep a safe social distance." Safe social distance? As opposed to those slippery, slopey unsafe social distances? Hmmmm....bear hugs.

In an instant this ham hock virus sign changed my entire outlook on my exact coordinates, and how they related to everyone else. Then it all became eerily clear - maybe I should start living a little more on the dangerous side...

Keep Your Chin Up, Nose Down, and Ears Open

Time to start thinking about a new collection. My other collections are getting bbbbooorrriinnngg. I can't decide which collector's category I should delve into next. I must say, if I could find something to collect that would allow me to use my new magnifying glass to inspect it - that would be dandy.

Ideas:
1. Antiques - just in general. Or maybe a focus on lamps. Or lampshades. Or bulbs. I just secretly long to join in antique discussions..."Oh, my that is indeed very tique"
2. Current movies, books, or video games - I could try and get hip and collect any of these items that have, "Collector's Edition" on the cover!
3. Quarters - Tried and failed to collect coinage many times over - so probably, no.
4. Paper dolls - Does it count as a collection if they are all made by myself, secretly during office meetings, on recycled paper? - How no one notices the sound of scissors, tape and giggling is beyond me.
5. Comic strips - preferably of Cathy

Hanging In There...Better Than Being Dropped In There

Today feels like a day for a list. Indeed. I shall mold this list around the incredible events that made up, what might be called "today."

In any order, but most likely the order I have put them:
1. Best alarm clock in the world - 70lb dog relieving his 70lb bladder on the carpet...while staring right at me.
2. Most practical discovery of the month - I realized the person that has been working two cubicles from me for 3.5 weeks is not named Seven, like I have been calling him...but Steven. Much more common.
3. Best cereal for dinner of the week - Strawberry Frosted Mini-Wheats (not endorsin, just truthin)
4. Worst idea ever - Teen Jeopardy

Be Sure to Keep Your Wishy's Washy

Special moments in time – slivers of life – when you realize you still have the ability to wish. Moments like when you are on the stationary bike at the gym in your office building – on the bike that does not always change levels/gears, but you discovered if you pick it up by the handlebars and drop it really hard then it kicks back in, but that has made for some awkward moments of explaining why you are dropping the bike and #2, how you discovered dropping the bike fixed the problem. These are precious moments on this bike, while having your speed involuntarily fluctuate and watching the gym’s television that surprisingly has satellite reception (what?). You time your bike ride just right, so you can catch the Game Show Network’s afternoon broadcast of Jeopardy reruns (oh, how handsome Alex manages to stay). Then you realize when the two women from your office join in beside you, and are now making too much noise on the elliptical machines for you to hear the Jeopardy answers, the remote is beside the TV. If you get up to turn up the volume, then your workout might time out – much less the bike’s speed might never recover. So you can either just read the questions and forever wonder if you were right, or start listening to these women talk breathlessly about their weekends. You settle for eavesdropping, and then realize that despite their panting descriptions, their weekends were still booorrriiinnggg…you look longingly back to Alex whom is mouthing something arrogantly to the contestants. It is in these special times you realize you wish…wish ever so mightily….that you had go-go gadget arms.